{TW: this is super depressing}
When I last left off with Mr. Bright Eye's and my pending divorce, it was 24 hours after he told me he wasn't coming for me. It was a moment of weird clarity that has come and gone since then.

Early this week I decided I had to return home to "our" (now his) house and pack some things and figure out some details. I knew this was going to make next week miserable, but I knew it had to be done.

Here in lies the problem: I spent the rest of this week pretending in my head that Mr. BE would simply want a very long separation. I pretended, in my head, that once we figured out who we are on our own, he'd want me back. I forgot that he told me, before I left, that he stopped being in love with me a long time ago (he couldn't pin-point when).

I know that text messages leave a great deal of room for misinterpretation, but I think my heart is all gone, you guys. I know with about 98% positivity in my heart that he has nothing left, but is grieving for the loss of the relationship. Before you jump in, I know that I can't know what is truly in someone's heart.


He suggested it might be better if I spent the night elsewhere- you know, not "our" house. That one I can't be kind about; I am angry and bitter with regards to that comment.

I'm angry, but mostly with myself for spending the week believing something that is not true. I'm just so sad that it is making me sick (physically, I am getting sick with something everyday).


My Dad is "letting" me (I have no required activities while I'm here) take today to mope in bed.

Mr. BE believes, and always has, that there's not just one person out there for each person. I'm not sure I believe that.


I know I don't believe one person can handle my medical problems and my mental illness anymore. I'm not sure I'll ever trust anyone with that responsibility again.

I'm really sorry for how depressing this post is- I'm tired of talking to my parents and my journal doesn't provide any cheery gifs :-D


ETA: You guys are amazing. Truly, incredibly amazing. I'm getting out of bed because of you guys- and I actually feel like I can eat. I'm not sure how I got so lucky as to have so many people actually know and remember who I am AND say such amazing things- but I did get that lucky, and I love you all.