So why do I feel like shit? Warning, entitled and stupid rant.

I’ll be staying in the shitty (she said it’s shitty, I have no experience in it) single guest bed for the first few nights until I can manage to move my stuff (or what stuff I can bring) in there. It’s in a great neighborhood and I’ll have a roof over my head for the next 6/7 months. The roommate seems like a dear. We haven’t discussed pets yet, we’ll probably do that soon but I expect a resounding NO.

Right now I feel so sad and lonely and non-adult it takes everything I have not to call the ex and go running back to him. I texted him to let him know I found a place to stay and asked to meet up some time soon to discuss moving logistics. I couldn’t bring myself to call.. I know if I’d call right now I’d break down crying and I can’t deal with that.

Everyone acts like this is such fucking awesome news yet for some reason I just can’t get my brain to switch back to what a great opportunity this is. A week ago I would’ve cheered to live in this apartment, even with the tiny bedroom and looked forward to a run in the park close by. But now I don’t. I’ve always had a hard time feeling grounded in someone else’s place, I just always feel like a guest that has to tiptoe around whatever house rules are set up (and no one ever tells you the rules, because they are unspoken).

Fuck you shitty apartment being swiped away from under my nose. For a second I tasted what it’d be like to have my own place and now I’m snapped back to stupid shitty reality where living in someone else’s place, temporarily, is the best I can do. Now I can put room searching on hold for a few months before I get to start this whole process all over again. Except then without the option of looking for my own apartment, since I won’t be able to use coworkers income by then to apply.

I feel like such a damn failure.