Well, I think it's a big step. I want to reconnect with an old friend. Kind of a lot has happened since we saw each other last. She became a he, and I believe he got married? I think we drifted apart naturally, but it bothers me that maybe he thinks we drifted apart because of his changes. I really really want to tell him that that's not the case.
So this morning I looked him up on Facebook. I don't know why I'd never thought of this before now. So simple. And there he was. It was his birthday a couple of days ago, and I thought about him. And then today was another friend's birthday, and I realized something so simple as FB friendship could be the thing that opened the door to all the conversations I've had with my empty car, or my empty room, or in my shower, where my tears at the guilt of disconnecting blended in with the water.
Every time I hear James Taylor's Fire and Rain, I think of him and I cry. It always starts some imaginary conversation with him, very one-sided and a bit selfish, where I imagine all the things I would say, if given the chance. It's been a while since I've done that, but sure enough, just seeing his pictures on FB started the waterworks again.
He lives on the other side of the country, and I'm planning a major road trip out that way, later in the year. His town is a bit out of my way, but I suddenly want to make it out there, to give him a big hug and go to a lunch that lasts all afternoon and into the evening. We have a lot to reminisce about and a lot to discuss about where we are now and how we got here, since we saw each other last. I really hope he accepts my FB request, and that he wants us to be friends again as much as I do. He is a very important piece of who I am; I'd be a very different person if I hadn't known him, and I want him to know that. I want him to know that I feel incredibly guilty about drifting apart when we did, in his process, and that I don't want him to think it's because I wouldn't have understood.
I just miss him. I want him to feel loved. And I don't want him to hate me for not being around.
I know these things are a bit selfish, and I'm sure, if he accepts, that I'll be back on here with great frequency, trying to figure out what I can say to him vs what I can't. I thank this community for being a place of expertise and understanding on the subject. I'm excited and nervous about it all, and I just had to tell somebody.