TW: depression, PTSD, TMI
So, I've not been doing so well lately (depression, ED relapse, anxiety), but in the last few weeks I've been to the doctors, started seeing a new therapist, and trying to turn things around. I feel good about that.
This morning started out with me really, truly laughing, courtesy of Boston's very own meteorologist Pete Bouchard and JinxieJade. It felt really good. I haven't really laughed like that in a long time. It was really, really nice.
Having a snow day here was nice. My husband was gone from Thursday - Monday night, so it was nice to spend some time with him. We actually had sexy times (twice) and a nice nap this afternoon. That's huge - we hadn't done the deed since before Christmas. The thing is, I always nosedive after sex. Sometimes I start bawling during the act, other times it will hit me later on. Either way, it always just hits me seemingly out of nowhere. I know that it's PTSD related, but it just leaves me feeling so powerless and frustrated. I'm crying now and I want to go hide. On top of that my husband now feels bad because this happens all the time and of course he doesn't want to hurt me. I don't know how to break this cycle. I just want to be able to have a normal adult relationship. I hate being scared of being intimate all the time.
The good thing is that my new therapist also specializes in couples therapy, so maybe after I get more comfortable with her (yesterday was only my second visit) we can go together. I'm trying to focus on the positive things right now, but I feel very fragile. Do any of you ever feel like this? I feel like you guys are fabulous little, confident minxes.