And I don’t know what to think. On one hand, it makes a lot of sense. I’m extremely sensitive to touch, have chronic pain (not crippling, but always there) and really low energy. On the other hand, if I’m on a regular exercise program and have a decent diet, I don’t usually have a lot of pain and my energy levels are good. But since last winter, I have not been able to get myself to exercise regularly. I’ve gained back almost half the weight I lost, and have dealt with some pretty serious mental health stuff.

My doctor thinks it’s mild, and if I can get enough energy to start being active, will resolve itself. So he put me on a very low dose of cymbalta to jump-start me and get me through the winter, and I’ll see how it goes.

I have such mixed feelings. On one hand, if it is fibromyalgia (and it likely is because I have an amazing doctor who has yet to be wrong about anything), I’m happy to have a diagnosis and a treatment plan: take meds, keep my carbs under 120 grams/day, and increase activity. On the other hand, if it is fibromyalgia, that’s yet another diagnosis. I have hashimoto’s disease. I have fibro. I have an anxiety disorder. I have sensory issues. I’m starting to feel defined by the stuff that’s wrong with me, and I don’t want that. Ever since I got over major depression, I have worked my ass off to not be “the sick one.”

So...fuck. I don’t know. I have very strong and very conflicting feelings about it all. I’m glad I’m seeing my therapist this weekend. If you have fibro, and have any words of encouragement, I would really welcome it, because my life is not going how I thought it would by the time I hit my 40s.

I got laid off from a job I thought was going to turn into a full-time gig. I’m freelancing at a place that is super corporate and cold and seems to have insane expectations about what I can deliver in two weeks. I haven’t fully updated my resume. I feel fat, I feel sick, I feel anxious, I feel unattractive and I feel really, really sad. I really want whomever is in charge to stop piling on me, because I’m pretty fucking done with it.