It's been a while, maybe seven months now. I just have so much life stuff to sort out. I'm working about three jobs, saving up for a house deposit (maybe, whatever I do it's going to be fucking impossible), I'm studying to change careers, volunteering to get experience, trying to find entry level jobs in the new field. I need to find a place to live if I'm not going to buy soon, which is pretty unlikely, so I can finally get my cat back.
Honestly, I don't really have the time to date, and I want to invest my energy in my life, after sinking years of futile effort into my ex.
Plus I never dated in my thirties, and I want to start a family yesterday - actually about now is when me and my ex would have started trying, so that's a whole another minefield.
And honestly, I don't think I would date someone in my situation, staying with their folks, mid transition, lots of chaos, so I'm not sure I would want to date the kinds of people who would want to date me right now. (I feel like that was part of the problem with my ex, that when we met my life was a bit of a mess, and I was really lonely, and things got too entangled far too quickly).
It's summer here. The sun is out and hormones are in the air, and I've got to do something vaguely constructive with all this pent up energy before I start propositioning men for a quick fuck in the nearest public toilet.
I started developing a crush on my therapist as he is basically the only age appropriate, attractive dude I've been honest with in the last half year, so that's awkward.
And I've developed a crush on David Mitchell the comedian, and his endearing neuroticism. (although David Mitchell the author is my life long idol, so I would be so up for David Mitchell and David Mitchell).
I haven't dated in a decade, but I think I'd do all right. I keep getting heaps of eye contact from hot men, I just don't have the opportunity to meet anyone like that during the course of work and social life. Everyone is way too young at whatever events I go to. People in their thirties tend to drop off from the scene.
All I really want is an honest connection (fuck, isn't that what anyone wants?). Drink late into the night and be unguarded with some random soul.
I wish I didn't find it so hard to be open. I've got so many barriers and guards and unlimited powers of self-restraint and self-denial. I hate to keep circling around him, but that's part of the reason my ex fucking off and and fucking me over was so devastating; he was inside my guard, and I'm not sure anyone else has been to anywhere near that extent.
Whelp, time to start looking I guess.