Hey, I like seeds! I like pudding! I want to be ethereal and universally loved! I should make chia pudding!

This is a thought I had a couple of months ago, while casually reading some GOOP hate on Jezebel. So I ran out and bought some chia seeds. Those fuckers are kind of expensive, by the way. Well, they sat in my pantry for a while and I never got around to making the pudding because I couldn't get the ingredients together.

Just kidding! The only ingredients are chia seeds and water! But I did want fresh raspberries to sprinkle on top so they'd look like the picture. Finally I managed to buy some fresh raspberries, not let them go bad in the fridge before eating them, and wake up in time to make a 10-minute breakfast "recipe*" of chia seeds & water.

So first, I carefully measured 1/4 cup of chia seeds into a bowl. Then, I mixed in 2/3 cups water. You guys, you get to choose whether to use hot or cold water! I chose cold, since the next thing you do is pop it in the fridge for 10 minutes. I put the mixture in the fridge. I waited 10 minutes, and in the meantime I excitedly rinsed off six plump raspberries. Ethereal, here I come!

I pop open the refrigerator door, and there it is! Something has definitely happened! It looks a little puffed up and gelled! I excitedly sprinkle my raspberries on top, and sit at the breakfast table.

Now, according to the photo, I want to drink green tea with my chia seed pudding if I'm going to be full on goopy about this. I can't manage green tea quite so early, so I drink English Breakfast Tea with two sugars and full fat milk. Uh oh, I'm going to fail at this ethereal thing, aren't I?

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I scoop up some chia pudding. I eat a bite! I taste nothing. Like literally nothing. There is a texture. Sort of gummy yet also microscopically seedy - but no flavor. I think maaaaaaybe I could sneak some honey in there and maybe instead of ethereal I could settle for ... comely? So I spoon in just a hint of honey - like less than a teaspoon, I swear! I mix it around so the raspberries break apart and they and the honey blend with the chia seeds. I take another bite.

Somehow the honey & raspberries make the lack of flavor worse. Like, instead of blending together to create some sort of taste blend, now I taste the distinct chia nothingness, with an added layer of bitter / acidic honey. It exacerbates all the wrong qualities of the honey & the fruit.

I eat a couple more spoonfuls just to make sure.

Yep. It's terrible.

I drink my tea and make a second cup, with just as much sugar and milk as before.

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On my drive to work, I swerve into a strip mall and buy a Jimmy John's #12 beach club (guacamole spread, holla!), which I eat

before 11 a.m.

I guess I will have to settle for "handsome."

* chia pudding

ingredients

makes 1

  • 1/4 cup chia seeds
  • 2/3 cup water

preparation

1. Place the chia seeds in the water (either warm or cold, whichever you prefer).

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2. Stir, stir, stir!

3. Let the concoction sit in the fridge for 10 minutes and it will form a “pudding-like” consistency.

Top your chia pudding with some blueberries, bananas and shredded coconut for a yummy, fast and filling breakfast.