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I will never be ethereal.

Hey, I like seeds! I like pudding! I want to be ethereal and universally loved! I should make chia pudding!

This is a thought I had a couple of months ago, while casually reading some GOOP hate on Jezebel. So I ran out and bought some chia seeds. Those fuckers are kind of expensive, by the way. Well, they sat in my pantry for a while and I never got around to making the pudding because I couldn't get the ingredients together.


Just kidding! The only ingredients are chia seeds and water! But I did want fresh raspberries to sprinkle on top so they'd look like the picture. Finally I managed to buy some fresh raspberries, not let them go bad in the fridge before eating them, and wake up in time to make a 10-minute breakfast "recipe*" of chia seeds & water.

So first, I carefully measured 1/4 cup of chia seeds into a bowl. Then, I mixed in 2/3 cups water. You guys, you get to choose whether to use hot or cold water! I chose cold, since the next thing you do is pop it in the fridge for 10 minutes. I put the mixture in the fridge. I waited 10 minutes, and in the meantime I excitedly rinsed off six plump raspberries. Ethereal, here I come!


I pop open the refrigerator door, and there it is! Something has definitely happened! It looks a little puffed up and gelled! I excitedly sprinkle my raspberries on top, and sit at the breakfast table.

Now, according to the photo, I want to drink green tea with my chia seed pudding if I'm going to be full on goopy about this. I can't manage green tea quite so early, so I drink English Breakfast Tea with two sugars and full fat milk. Uh oh, I'm going to fail at this ethereal thing, aren't I?


I scoop up some chia pudding. I eat a bite! I taste nothing. Like literally nothing. There is a texture. Sort of gummy yet also microscopically seedy - but no flavor. I think maaaaaaybe I could sneak some honey in there and maybe instead of ethereal I could settle for ... comely? So I spoon in just a hint of honey - like less than a teaspoon, I swear! I mix it around so the raspberries break apart and they and the honey blend with the chia seeds. I take another bite.

Somehow the honey & raspberries make the lack of flavor worse. Like, instead of blending together to create some sort of taste blend, now I taste the distinct chia nothingness, with an added layer of bitter / acidic honey. It exacerbates all the wrong qualities of the honey & the fruit.


I eat a couple more spoonfuls just to make sure.

Yep. It's terrible.

I drink my tea and make a second cup, with just as much sugar and milk as before.


On my drive to work, I swerve into a strip mall and buy a Jimmy John's #12 beach club (guacamole spread, holla!), which I eat

Illustration for article titled I will never be ethereal.

before 11 a.m.

I guess I will have to settle for "handsome."

* chia pudding


makes 1

  • 1/4 cup chia seeds
  • 2/3 cup water


1. Place the chia seeds in the water (either warm or cold, whichever you prefer).


2. Stir, stir, stir!

3. Let the concoction sit in the fridge for 10 minutes and it will form a “pudding-like” consistency.


Top your chia pudding with some blueberries, bananas and shredded coconut for a yummy, fast and filling breakfast.

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