I weighed myself this morning.

First, as some of you know, I have some body dysmorphia. It co-occurs with what my doctor calls 'disordered eating' (Plus other stuff, all the root of everything-I'm a mess). That's when I eat whatever, freak out, eat less, feel happy, eat more. Yes, I also exercise, but it's not enough for the body issues. Maybe 'some' isn't the right word to describe my situation with body image.

I used to be very skinny at the beginning of the month. Then slowly, due to greasy food and my willful, blissful ignorance, I wasn't.

Yesterday, I promised 'All liquid diet this week' and 'You will both pole and run everyday'. I know the first one is idiotic, and the second one-because I've never been a runner-is just, I donno. So, bought some pressed juice, refilled my water bottles, prepped.

I assumed I weighed somewhere around 106, with my goal being 100 or less (Please, no telling me this is unreasonable or unhealthy-I'm self aware, and that's why I need to get it out.)

No, I weigh 110.

For me, the number was a blow. I need to fit into a costume! Now I may need to buy a new one! At least some new clothes, even though I have no money in the budget for it! I literally went through everything I owned today to find something for Halloween. Nothing looked right. Nothing felt right. Yesterday, my body was giving me problems on the visual end. Today that's coupled with the god damn number.

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And then, because I cope in motherfucking maladaptive ways: I ate half a box of cookies. I threw them all out, and now I'm disgusted with myself.

I have to do this-get rid of excess weight-the hard way. In four days. That's not possible, in a scientific sense, unless I can summon the motivation to exercise heavily three times a day and drink only water, and pray that my prescribed Addy kicks into overdrive (Yes, I know that's really unhealthy thinking.)

I'm going to go for a run tonight when it's dark, after I see my doctor. I'll do a million crunches. I'll dance until the pole falls down.

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Right now though, I want to sit very still, in one place, and cry.

Needed to get it all out, and, please-don't judge me or preach to me. I absolutely know that this is a problem. I'm getting help. I just want this feeling to go away along with the weight.