I'm a klutz.
There, I've said it. I took twelve years of ballet, and yet walking seems to be too much for me to bear. Let me start at the beginning...
2001, things were going great. I had just graduated college, moved into a fabulous condo, was working at my alma mater with a boss that I adored, things couldn't be better. Until that fateful night when it all started. It was a harmless night out with my friend and her boyfriend. Out drinking late down by the beach, but NO PROBLEM, friend's boyfriend lived right down the street, nobody had to drive, we could walk home! Of course, that was until Devil (with all the devilish class she could muster) felt the need to start catcalling the group of hot guys walking in the other direction. So, as I walked backwards down the street, probably begging said hot guys to come back, I stepped into a giant hole in the middle of the sidewalk and snapped my ankle in three places.
This was back in the day when I drank Southern Comfort like it was water (I know, I know, youth!) So, the pain wasn't that bad. As I was to learn soon, if you are going to break something, do it drunk, it hurts less!
So, I worked from home for 6 weeks, before I was able to return to my office.
Three weeks later...my indoor cat got outside. As I struggled down the stairs to catch him (babying my still healing ankle) I missed a step. And fell and broke my other ankle. Seriously, breaking the ankle sober, WAY worse! I was praying for Southern Comfort at that point! And, try having to call your boss and explain that one! "Hi! It's Devil. I'm not sure how to tell you this, but I fell and broke my other ankle, I'm going to need to work from home for another 6 weeks, thanks!"
And at this point, I was a laughing stock amongst all of my friends and acquaintances. First people didn't even realize that it was a different foot and couldn't understand why I was in a cast for sooooo long! Having to explain what happened usually just left people howling with laughter. For several years after that there were people who everytime that they saw me, they were amazed that I was on two feet.
I managed not to break anything for another 6 years. This time it was my foot. But, man, did I do this one good! This was Drunk Break 2 - Even Drunker! It was a birthday party and I was wrestling with the birthday boy, like you do. I was on his back like a little spider monkey and when he threw me off I landed kind of on the side of my foot. My hosts gave me an ice pack and put me to bed. I woke up in the morning, still drunk, and my foot was the size of a nerf football and my toes were little purple sausages sticking out the end. So of course I drove home and crawled in bed with another ice pack.
When I woke up a little more sober, I called a friend and went to the hospital. It turns out that I dislocated the first two joints that connect the metatarsal and cuneiform bones (in the middle of the foot), broken my next two metatarsals and torn all of the tendons in my foot. This time I was in for surgery. Two nice long screws to put the joints back together, and 4 months off the foot.
Unfortunately, at this time I no longer had the awesome boss that I adored. I had Bitchy Boss who felt that I should take Disability leave. Um, I write software. That does not involve my foot. I can work from home just fine! NOPE! So instead, I bought myself a Rascal scooter and took a 2 hour public transit commute to work each day. I would ride home at night and cruise into my neighborhood pub for a cocktail. People asked "Devil, aren't you embarrassed cruising around on that old people scooter?" NOPE! It was that or stay home, and I wasn't about to do that!
The total recovery was about 6 months on that one. And I thought, "That's it, no more of this shit!"
Until this weekend. Seven years, you guise! Seven years without fucking breaking anything. And, I did it sober, AGAIN!!!!
Some of the So Cal girls know, I love my heels. I mean, LOVE my heels! 5" or higher, Platform, Stiletto, it doesn't matter. I love feeling so tall! Well, they probably aren't a good idea when you live in an older neighborhood with uneven sidewalks. So, Saturday night as I was getting out of a cab, on my second date with a very very sweet guy from OKC (see, they're not all crazies!), I stepped on some uneven pavement and went down like a ton of bricks. I was wearing these...
So, my date doesn't even see me go down. He is paying the cab driver, turns around and asks why I'm on the ground. I calmly inform him that I have broken my ankle. Because at this point, you just sort of know.
He asks to see it, and then starts frantically calling an ambulance. I'm like, "No, no, no. It's just an ankle, call my mom (neither of us had cars there because we had intended to be out drinking late, but had decided to call it an early night). He is freaking out, but hangs up and hands me the phone. From what my date told me later the converation went something like this "Mom, hi, it's me. I broke my ankle. No, I'm not joking, I broke my ankle, could you come get me? Yeah, I'm on the sidewalk in front of my house. Great, see you in a few." And then I fell out crying hysterically and made my poor date lay on the ground and hold me while I sobbed. Little did I know, I wasn't the only one in shock. This poor guy had taken one look at my ankle and was convinced that the bone was going to pop out of the skin, and that I was bleeding internally and was going to die before my mother got there to pick me up.
I won't regale you with the wait in the ER or my persistent hitting on the poor male nurse, but suffice it to say, I was in for another surgery. I managed to break the actual ankle bones this time. I used to think of my first two breaks as "broken ankles", I now think of them as "broken legs, right down by the ankle" because I snapped my ankle this time. So, I am now the proud owner of a new steel plate and a couple of screws in my ankle and no pressure for a minimum of 3 months.
The upside, I'm very excited to take some disability this time and then work from home for a while. The downside, well... this....
So, you guys can expect to see me online a lot more during the day! Hopefully I have something more interesting to contribute than the saga of my broken bones!
Anybody else have any good, stupid or funny break stories?