Horribly afraid. Tomorrow is my weekly therapy appointment, and I know we're getting closer and closer to Things I Do Not Talk About. I'm freaked out because I don't trust my own thoughts in some ways...was my earlier life as bad as I recall? Was it worse? My mother, who I love deeply and whose company I enjoy now, would not remember my early life as particularly bad. BUT. But...she was at the mercy, for her entire childhood, of the sociopath that was her mother. The woman who I still have nightmares about, the woman who did me little to no physical harm, but who was such a master of psychological torture that describing her sounds like an overheated description of a pulp novel villain. My Mom has to be able to edit her past to survive, as I have. My memory has gaps that are jarringly obvious, because my biographical memory is normally freakishly good. Until I learned to look closely at my memories, I had a few that I created to make my past much warmer and safer, and for longer periods of time, than it actually was. Empirical evidence indicates that my early life was even uglier than I recall right now. I know I have to process and integrate that to become mentally healthy, but right now, I'm scared. I'm worried that I'm actually just fundamentally a basket case, and making up stories to justify it. I worry that when I remember things, the memory will be so real that I start fighting and screaming at people who are long gone, or that I'll again hit myself just so I can hit something real. I worry about the sweaty-sick hangover of a flashback, and the feeling it leaves you with that you're never really clean.
CPTSD is a bitch.
ETA: I sent this to my therapist, which was a good suggestion from you guise. Thank you.