Hi GT! I have a ton of emotional stuff going on in my life, so I’m just going to post it here. Comment, don’t comment, send cute pics of animals, whatever. I just need to get it all out in a safe space, which while this isn’t really fully, it’s easier to tell my internet peeps than dump this on any one person in my life IRL.

1. My brother is getting divorced. His marriage was in trouble for a while, but they didn’t get any help for it. Then he had an affair, they started counseling, but she wasn’t wanting to work on anything. This went on for a year, nothing changed, and now they’re getting divorced. She’s already met someone new, had him over to the house to meet their kids, she’s met his kids, and she’s talking about moving in with him. According to what she told my brother, she’s known him less than 2 months (he was at the house after 2 weeks), but I think she’s been seeing him/communicating with him longer.

Brother’s a mess. He blames himself. He’s sick (vomiting) daily. He’s barely sleeping. He doesn’t eat much. He moved out this weekend and into his own place, but he’s just a f*cking mess.

My heart breaks for him. I was always the one to protect him from things throughout our childhood, and I want to help him now. I go out there in about four weeks, but realistically, I can’t remove all the pain he’s in, or that he’s blaming himself, or the guilt, or any of that.

The good thing is he’s seeing a therapist he really likes (partly because he doesn’t like her; she challenges him), and she seems to be doing a world of difference for him. Also, I think once he’s out of all the raw emotions of the situation, he’ll see that his life has actually improved by not being married to his wife anymore. I don’t want to bash her here, but I think it’s better for him if they part ways.

The girls are...ok. I think they’ll get through this well. They’re lovely, delightful little girls and I can’t wait to see them.

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2. My dad. Since brother’s affair and divorce, he’s been less than compassionate. They have a history of not getting along, and dad’s inability to empathize with brother is causing tension already. Not to mention, dad promises things he can’t deliver on, like “I’ll pay your first, last and deposit on the new place, don’t worry,” only to say the next day he doesn’t have the money. He never has the money. He’s done this to brother numerous times, and brother (and this time my mother, too) fell for it. So I sent him the money.

Dad is scheduled to go out there at the same time as me, and he keeps telling me he’s worried about brother killing him if they get in a fight. He’s being dramatic, but the last time the two of them stayed up drinking (whisky), they nearly had a fist fight. So I’ve been trying to coach my dad on how to be a more supportive father, what things to say, what things not to say, etc. But I’m running out of fucks to give for hedging what I say nicely, so yesterday, when dad was ranting and saying things like “Why does it have to be me?! Why do I have to change?! I don’t understand why it’s not him this time, but it has to be me?!?!?” I screamed into the phone, “BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT THE ONE GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE WTIH TWO KIDS!” I haven’t yelled at my dad in a very, very long time. It didn’t feel good, but it seemed to snap him out of his rant about himself.

Dad is also sending more and more increasingly bizarre late night texts, emails, or posting facebook posts/comments. It’s clear he’s drunk or high, but it’s getting worse. He’s also sometimes hard to talk to when he’s like this. Yesterday, I called my uncle to see if he could talk some compassion into my dad before our trip out to see brother, and he brought this up to me as a concern as well. Dad has 5 living brothers and a sister, and they’re noticing, and they’re worried. So they may combine these two conversations, or not, but it sounds like it’s something they’re going to address.

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3. BoyPenguin. He’s been incredibly stressed at work and bringing it home. He had a panic attack a few weeks ago. He came home from work early, called the Dr., went in, and they ruled out a heart attack. Dr. said to take it easy, exercise, eat well, lose weight, drink less, etc., but that was it. BP has been cutting back a bit on the drinking lately, but for a while was just going overboard, having a six pack a night or more. My own history with alcohol and alcoholics is long, and I won’t get into, but it was hard to watch him grab beer after beer on a Wednesday night, then emotionally beat himself up the next day for drinking too much and being hungover, and not want to scream at him that he did this to himself, because he he KNEW he did it to himself.

His major project will be done next week, he’ll take some time off to regroup, look for a job, and we’ll see what happens after that.

4. Sheba. She had a health episode the other day where her right side was paralyzed. Took her to the vet, gave her steroids, etc., she’s better now, but there was a point I was thinking it was time to put her down if she didn’t get better. I realize that 22 years is a very long life for a cat, and something will get her one of these days. It’s been weighing on me more and more, where the line is for her, how to define quality of life, etc. If I can, I’d like to have her put down at home when the time comes.

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5. My boss. She’s 75 and I think her memory and focus is going. I’m having to explain things multiple times, and she will literally ask me, “Is this x?” after I just said that was Y. She gets easily overwhelmed and confused, and has a history of health issues (genetic, she actually takes really good care of herself) that have me worried. She has a fake heart valve, and some other health things, such that a flu or bronchitis could actually kill her. But it’s the cognitive issues that have me most worried.

6. My hand. I’ve been having issues with my left hand lately. I have an appointment to talk with someone about it, but that’s not until next week. I’m a seamstress, so problems with my hands freak me out. I snapped at BP the other day while cleaning (and he wasn’t) that I was doing my best I could with a hand that only halfway works, and if he wanted to help, he could carry some goddammed laundry up the stairs. I apologized later, as he hadn’t known I was having such issues (even though I’d clearly been babying it), but we talked about some other things going on and came to some good conclusions.

Other than all that, my plants are growing in nicely, spring is around the corner, and life’s pretty good I guess. But I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the peopleing part of my life right now. Without the people, I’d be down to 2 problems only.

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Thanks for listening, GT! This post may go poof later...