I'm sure I've talked about it before on here, and I don't feel like going into full explanation on my weight issues and such again. But basically I used to be a martial artist and was in awesome shape, and it came at the price of...some form of eating disorder (working out 3+ hours a day, every day, and counting every single calorie cannot be ok. Neither can be crying in dressing rooms because I wasn't thin enough at a size US 4). So eventually I eased up on the insanity, and put on about 15-20 lbs when I was working out for an hour a day 4-5 days a week and eating more normally, and my ex (not most recent, but the one before him) never stopped giving me shit about it (for reference, I was 135 lbs at 5'2" and about 19% body fat). He thought I looked gross, so I started working out hardcore again.

Then I had a seizure.

Two, actually. Within a few months of each other. Both times, I fell on my right shoulder, and both times I sprained my rotator cuff. I went to a chiropractor for it, and he helped a lot, but he also wanted me to do physical therapy which I did not do. Because I'm an idiot.

So two years later, my shoulder still hurts. All the time. Including right now. It often tightens and cracks or pops, and usually when I wake up I have to shift it back into place. This is obviously not healthy, but every time I say I'm going to see a doctor, it seems to get better. Then it gets worse.

The first time I tried to do pushups after the injury, my arm gave out before I could complete one. A few months ago, in my cardio kick-boxing class (which was very short lived), I did five. I then proceeded to cry tears of joy on the mat.

Five. Five pushups. I used to be able to do 50 without stopping, and I got to five before I couldn't go any more.

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And it doesn't help that my brother/ex-trainer often reminds me of "back when I used to be in shape." I know. I know I used to be 30 or so lbs lighter and could do pull-ups and dead lifts. I know I used to be able to work out for 6 hours straight and be fine. I. Know.

I want to get back into shape. I do, but I'm scared. I tried with cardio kick-boxing and I felt myself going down the rabbit hole again, so I stopped.

I don't know. They recently opened a CrossFit by me, and I may join. Yes, I know the risks involved. My brother owns a CrossFit in Queens, I know all about it. I won't do anything without seeing a doctor about my shoulder first.

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I'm just...pissed I injured it in the first place. I hate this. I hate how I hurt it. I'd be more accepting of this if I hurt myself due to my own stupidity than how it actually happened, by something (somewhat) out of my control.

Bleh.

I miss training. I miss the good things. I miss being strong and lean. I miss being able to sleep and never getting sick. I miss having clear skin. I don't miss hating myself and my body. I don't miss counting every calorie and having breakdowns because my ass was still kind of jiggly. I don't miss not eating the bun on a grilled chicken sandwich with nothing else on it, and refusing to go to dinner with my friends because even the "low-calorie" options were too high for my daily intake.

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I just want to be normal. I just want to be able to work out and be healthy and not worry that I'll hate myself throughout it.