I'm getting to the end of my rope and I'm not sure how much longer I can hang on.

To those of you that have been following the saga of me and boss (you can read about it here and here), I am tired. I was supposed to go to negotiations with my former employer on April first, but I got a letter from his lawyer saying that they changed the date to the 22nd, which means I have several more weeks before this can be resolved.

I still haven't found another job, in part because I was doing my applications wrong and I was supposed to include letters of recommendation with my application packet. I worked freelance for about six years, so getting in contact with former employers is difficult, if not impossible. And the ones that I can get in contact with won't write them because they think they are too cool for such trivial tasks. I used to work in entertainment, so everyone thought they were too cool for anything. Plus, I don't really want to be in this country. I only came because I found a job here, the one that I was fired for.

There was a job that I wanted to apply to in my former home of Copenhagen. But I missed the deadline. I was going to do my application yesterday, but my roommate flipped out on me and combined with the stress of my impending lawsuit and not knowing which country I will even be in two months from now, I just started sobbing and needed to get out the house and not be around her. So when I went to the library today to apply and saw that I missed the cutoff by a day, I wanted to cry all over again.

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My roommate is going to make be curse her out. Since she stressed about not knowing when or if I'm going to move, she's stressing me. And while she can be nice when she's sober, she's a mean ass drunk and twice now, she had yelled at me while she was intoxicated. I usually react and flip out when people yell at me, but I feel so bad about being the roommate with so much drama that I didn't say anything the first time, which is why I think she felt comfortable doing it a second time. My second roommate actually came over and hugged me as the first one was going on and on and she had to explain to her that I was probably crying because I have a lot of shit to deal with right now and her yelling isn't helping anything.

I think I haven't really put forth my best came face in the job market largely because I don't feel qualified to do anything. Plus, I've been so focused on trying to get back to Copenhagen that I haven't researched all my options here, which I know is not the best plan of action.

I'm tired and scared and more stressed than I have ever been. I've been eating different combinations of flour and water (homemade bread, pitas, tortillas, dumplings) to try and save money. My mom called me last night to say she put some money in my account. But instead of making me feel better, it made me feel worse since I know she doesn't really have it to give, but she will because she cares and she worries about me. I'm in my 30's, I really should have my shit together so that I can be the one to help my mother out, not the other way around.

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I often think about packing up and coming back to the states. But I know that wouldn't make me happy and I would just be giving up. I feel so lost right now.