First, I'm sorry I didn't really respond to anyone who gave me advice on my last post. I've got a nasty habit of posting things right before I get busy and then not checking groupthink for a long time. By the time I read all of them it was the next day and I figured it was just too late. I'll do better this time.
Anyway, personal revelation #1: I've more than likely been depressed for nigh on ten years now. It's kind of depressing to realize because I don't feel any different than normal, but it's becoming more and more clear that normal is probably depression. So that kinda blows. The depression stems from how uncomfortable I am with myself in all social settings. I get super self-conscious in groups and have never felt like a part of a group or anything like that.
Personal revelation #2 (very much so tied in with PR #1): I am uncomfortable, get self-conscious, and experience feelings of guilt when I feel good about myself. In my last post I kept going on about the one thing that I've done for a long time and how I'm giving it up. Well, that one thing is music. I'm a musician, I've played saxophone for 10 years (seriously played it for 8 of those years), and I have never once been proud of anything I've created. The idea of being proud of myself for anything makes me squirm. Playing with other people was always very agonizing and made me super self-conscious. Playing for other people was never fun, I'd just beat myself up over any little mistake. I couldn't take compliments.
Personal revelation #3: PR #2 is also the reason I don't like dating. I don't like accepting that someone else would like me. Even though I can identify positive things about myself, having other people recognize that is totally not something I'm ok with. I don't even like being recognized for arbitrary shit like my birthday. People celebrating me for any reason doesn't feel good, makes me self-conscious, and feels wrong because I don't feel I deserve it. I didn't go to prom, walk in my high school graduation, and will probably not walk at my college graduation because of those reasons.
I did make a little progress with this last girl. I was able to introduce her to my roommates and not cry in my room later, so that's good I guess. The funny thing is that it's never that bad in the moment, it's almost always later when I'm alone that I feel awful, undeserving, and self-conscious.
It's really ironic that I always felt awful playing music when at the same time music was the thing I used to distract myself from actually solving any of this shit. So that's why I want out of music so damn bad. I'm still not having fun and it has stunted me for years, yet I'm supposed to put on a senior recital in a couple months. Something that's supposed to be a culmination of all my hard work and progress. Something I'm supposed to be proud of. I just want out so bad.
I actually don't really feel particularly terrible right now. It's nice to address some of this stuff, and I'm definitely not looking forward to the completion of my wasting of 60,000 buckaroos, but I don't actually know how to progress forward and actually become a functional human being.