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I only slept for three hours last night (man, working overnight shifts on an off/on basis suuuuucks), and I keep dozing off when I don't want to and feeling like I'm losing chunks of time and it's totally affecting my mood/sense of time. I'm just UGHHHH.

My stomach has been feeling upset for the last few days (as shark week fast approaches *Jaws theme*). My back still hurts, but I got called into work last minute this week and haven't had a chance to go to the doctor. My parents stressed me the fuck out when we talked last night. I had to transfer a shit-ton of money from my savings account to my checking account so I'd have enough to pay my student loans. I get paid later this coming week so I'll be able to return it all (and more) back but it feels like a failure whenever I have to do that, y'know? The most exciting thing I did today was go to Home Depot to get supplies for a DIY pegboard. My room is a pigsty, but my back hurts so much I can't muster up the energy to clean it. All of these are such little issues in the grand scheme of things but it's like they've gotten together to create a perfect storm of insecurity, stress, pain, anxiety, and overall panic. I am literally sitting in my room by myself panicking quietly in the dark because I can't bring myself to turn the light on.


It isn't helping that my mean little voice has cropped up once again. I had drinks with an OKC guy Friday night. And I really liked him. It was the first time I wasn't looking for an escape or wanting to leave after a couple hours, it was the first time I would have let "drinks" turn into a "date" or whatever if he'd asked...but his brother was coming into town so he didn't. And that mean little voice in my head is completely freaking me out by suggesting that maybe he didn't want to ask because I'm boring/annoying/unattractive/etc and he wasn't into me. Rationally, I know I'm just being mean to myself, and completely overthinking things. Rationally, I know that I'm blowing things wayyyy out of proportion because I'm in that kind of headspace. But the irrational part of me that doesn't understand why anyone would like me sees the fact that he didn't suggest future plans right away as a SIGN of his lack of interest. (When we parted ways, I blurted out that I'd like to see him again soon. He nodded really deeply, but I have a tendency to "stop seeing" when I do or say something that makes me nervous so I didn't see his facial expression.)

Anyway. I think I'm going to make myself a hot toddy (the closest alcoholic approximation to tea that I know and have supplies for) and watch bad cable tv for the rest of the night.

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