I talked about my mothers abusive phone calls in SNS. I still feel like I went ten rounds in the boxing ring, being punched in the stomach every round. And after this weekend, I really can't handle Monday right now.
I haven't really been sleeping well. Last night I awoke periodically, and ended up staying up until 3am, just pacing and trying to take my mind off things. It's the worst when I'm alone at night, and trapped in my own head. Plus I can't exactly clean at that time, because my neighbors would be pissed and they got this stupid dog that barks every time I open my door.
I drove to the grocery store around 1am and just walked around and bought pickles. I was a zombie. I still am. I have a lot of work to do today-finishing my edits on my paper, reading a saga from the middle ages, and going to the gym. Thankfully, I have nothing tomorrow, so I can continue getting caught up. Plus I finally got my new computer up and running, and it's good to have Word and a printer again. So, plus?
I just don't know. I was doing so well. I was stable. Then the breakthrough in therapy I didn't really want to confront, calls from my mother that related to them-mostly her blame on my for things I didn't do-and then the PTSD and depression. I really don't want to think about these things. I thought I got over them, but I was just suppressing my anger and feeling weak when it came to my formative years. I don't know. Nothing really makes sense, and I feel like an asshole for trying to preserve my own well-being. I can't think like that, and I hate that I do.
I'm trying really hard to get over it. Or just take my mind off it. Working will help, even if I do feel like a zombie.