Ok, so, it's 3:40am here and I'm wide awake. I know I just had a post yesterday talking about staying positive, and I've tried, but it ain't happening. I'm not awake by choice. I was woken up when my damn fucking rooommate came back with his new gf. She's quiet. He stomped up the stairs, slammed the toilet seat, talked in his normal voice. And now they're having semi-loud sex and I can't get back to sleep. I suppose I could find my earplugs but it's rare I can sleep with them due to discomfort and besides that, I don't think that's my damn responsibility at 3:30am.

Now I'm going down the rabbit-hole of self-loathing. I mean, she comes over here and cleans his dishes and picks up his clothes that are on the floor... in the shared living spaces. Unless it's behind closed doors she doesn't get any thank you's either. Loud sex aside, she even recognizes his behavior toward his roommates is shitty. But he's apparently worthwhile. I honestly just don't believe anybody will ever like me right now. In 23 years nobody has cared about anything about me, why should that change? Sure, I'm considerate. Sure, I'm organized. Sure, maybe some people think I'm hot. Sure, I'm a good cook. Sure, maybe I'm super passionate about my hobbies. Sure, maybe I'm a bunch of other stuff. But ya know what? I don't think any of that has to do with attraction. That's all initial attraction shit. What lands you a first date shit. I don't know what matters after that, probably personality, but I have all this other stuff that has never mattered. Honestly I just don't see that changing. I dunno, how fun do I sound? probably not very. After this:

doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, isn't interested in sports, to bed at 9-10 up at 6-7 cuz that's how I like it, rarely watches TV, is genuinely interested in things like chess and would rather read about that on a Saturday night than go to a party, likes having plans and is not super spontaneous,

Not very at all, I bet. Right now, being all pissed off from this other shit I'm finding it hard to fool myself into thinking anything I have matters. Right now, as far as I can tell, the proof is in pudding.

UPDATE: (total TMI warning) my roommate has now loudly made his way to the bathroom at the other end of the hallway and is having the loudest diarrhea EVAR. Fucking guttural ass explosions. This shit's just kinda funny, haha. In maybe only a slightly mean-spirited way I'm enjoying his discomfort. I don't wanna think about how loud it'd be if my door were open.