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I have the ability to remove myself from people/places/things really successfully. Almost too successfully, actually. I've heard, "I had no idea that you left," or "I didn't even notice what time you went missing," a lot in my life. It's more of a bummer to the ego skill than a helpful get-me-out-of-this-awkward-situation one.

Anyway, the point is that I disappeared from Groupthink about 3 weeks ago.

There's something specific that I've been struggling with for.. a long time. 6 months or less, I think. On my birthday not quite a month past, part of that struggle came into sharp focus and, since then, my nerves have been stretched tight and my anxiety really really making connecting with society difficult. I'm not any better, really. I still haven't come to terms with my problem or what exactly to do about it. It's not something that I'm sure I want to post about to Groupthink as much as I want to post to Groupthink about it. (That just adds the cherry to my anxiety. Ain't that grand?)

I know what most of the advice would be (I think) because it's advice I've tried to give to and apply myself. The thing is, sometimes the stuff that The Great Schools of Thought tell us is the right course of action just doesn't apply to real life situations.. especially when emotions are involved. Stupid heart fucking things up again.

I'm really torn. I'm really upset. I think I'm grieving because my non-action has already had consequences. Or, I'm grieving because a part of me has already made a decision.

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Without going into detail, the closest situation I can describe is the relationship one can have with an addict who you know will never be clean.

It's kind of tearing at me slowly, and I hate it because some good things have happened in between my birthday and now. I want to start participating here again, and I know that my usual pep just isn't going to be present.. or it's going to be a version of fake it 'til I make it.