TW: eating disorder? Maybe? Uh.

I made the mistake of stepping on my friend's scale this morning. I'm ashamed to admit I was shocked and upset at the number. I've been having some insecurity issues pop up here and there, and they seem to be getting worse.

I'm trying not to feel ashamed of how I look, particularly when I know that there's nothing to be ashamed of. Yet now I want to try to lose weight again, for totally shallow reasons. Not for health, because I'm already generally healthy. I've gotten all those nasty voices in my head telling me untruths, that I won't be good looking and my boyfriend will leave me. I've had issues with this in the past, and they come and go. But I had been in a really good place in my life. I don't want to have to fight those voices again.

But we're at the start of the new year, and the voices are urging me to lose 30 pounds. I hate New Years resolutions, and I don't want to try to commit to one when I know they'll fail.

I really just want those voices gone.