So it’s like, Allison Williams is sitting in a room with a dead body.
It’s a lot of pills by the bedside and the dead lady is old, so I think it’s like she died of natural causes. Allison Williams makes a phone call and we find out that her name is Charlotte. So charlotte’s all my mamma is dead so I’m out this. Which like.. I mean you ain’t gon stay and make funeral arrangements and settle her estate? That’s cold af.
Charlotte is in China. She’s walking down the street and there’s a big ass billboard of Coco’s ex bff from “Dear White People” and her name is Elizabeth. She stares at the billboard and she got that same look on her face as she had in Get Out. So when Elizabeth comes on the screen, I’m like, RUN ELIZABETH! GET OUT!.
Elizabeth doesn’t listen to me instead they have sex. At this point I’m going to personally sponsor a PSA to the black community called “The Perils of White Pussy.” Just say no. Apparently they know each other cause they both had the same musical mentor or whatever. And they both play cello.
They get on a version of the Fung Wah Bus, (Long Live Fung Wah) and that’s when shit starts going left. Liz starts freaking the fuck out. Then she gets sick puking up yellow mucus shit. Only there are bugs in the yellow mucus! Then they both get kicked off the bus and Liz is breaking down. BUGS ARE COMING OUT OF HER ARM!!1 AHH Then Charlotte just magically produces a big ass cleaver, and says “You know what you have to do.” Just like a crazy white bitch. Then Liz hacks that shit off.
Then the frame freezes and rewinds and we find out that charlotte poisoned liz to make her think bugs were coming out of her hand. What did I say? The Perils, yall. The Perils.
But the movie is not over. Then we jump to three months later. Liz is pissed. She goes to their mutual mentor and she like, THIS CRAZY WHITE BITCH CUT OFF MY HAND SO THAT I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO PLAY CELLO ANYMORE. He’s like ummm??? wut? So Liz goes to charlotte’s house knocks her out, kidnaps her and takes her to the mentors house. When charlotte wakes up he’s like, did you chop off liz’s hand? Charlotte’s like, you better believe I did that shit. He’s like, ok why? Charlotte’s like BECAUSE SHE WAS A BETTER CELLO PLAYER AND YOU LOVED HER MORE THAN ME!!! THATS WHY!!! He’s like, ok that’s a lot. Charlotte tries to run but then he grabs her and....
PLOT TWIST MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!
We flash black to when charlotte was a girl and it turns out that everytime she would get a note wrong on a cello during practice, he would rape her.
Then we’re back to the present and she’s chained in that same room. And He’s doing it all over again cause she chopped off old girls hand and now she has to be as perfect as she was, cause now she can’t play or something like that. So she begins to play, and this time the stakes are mad higher cause he’s taken a new girl and if she doesn’t play it right he’s going to rape the new girl. So Charlotte starts playing and....
TWISTING THAT PLOT AGAIN ON YOU HOES!!!!!
It turns out Liz and Charlotte had a heart to heart post hand chopping. Charlotte’s all I DID IT TO SAVE YOU!! Which, I don’t know that I am buying that, but Liz does. And they devised this whole kidnapping plot together. Then together they murder the mentor’s wife ( cause she helped cover it up) then they chop off all his limbs and then they both play the cello together. Charlotte operating the bow and Liz operating the strings.
Then the movie ends.
It was an experience.