Ugh. Typical. As soon as shit gets real, I find stuff to fixate on that is not shit getting real.
So for the past few days I've been looking at Ikea furniture (which I don't need because I'm moving in a few months which I am NOT happy about), and searching flights to Stockholm (no idea why Stockholm, I don't speak Swedish, but I heard it's legit). Not only do I think I have Scandinavian Syndrome, but I'm also doing the typical escapist crap I pull. During finals and stress.
I talked to my doctor yesterday and she said that this has been a pattern for me for the past few years. A few years ago it was drawing comics instead of studying for finals. And I'm so ambivalent towards grades. Also I've been having a pretty rough time, and in no way qualified to take my final today. Or do a homework assignment. Or deal with my family.
Seriously, I have enough saved up to go live in Europe for a year. I'm reconsidering the whole "grad school then a career in academia forever" thing, because it feels like I've just been trained for it my whole life. I like it, but now I just want to pull a runner, not tell anyone where I'm going, and disappear. I think I'm the only one in the family who wants to travel forever. We traveled a lot when I was younger, but I want to go by myself.
I know this is provoked by stress. Fixating on furniture is just my neurosis acting up. I have a pretty great life as it is, but leaving the only real home I've ever had. It's just too much. I'm not officially leaving yet, but I already have the "anywhere but here" problem.
I just needed to talk about this. My doctors are pretty much the only people that know, and this lack of an adventure is making me sad. Maybe I'm under the impression that uprooting is going to make all the bad memories I have go away. A stranger in a strange land.