So last night was supposed to be awesome. My friend and I went to The Polo Lounge, because that's how I roll. Also the pens are lucky. But fun it was not.
We sat down and she asks me how I am. I start telling her about what a freakin' thesis making genius I am, for basically pulling a perfect thesis and supporting paragraph about Teresa Gudice and the IRS out of my ass. But I go cut off at "thesis".
"VV, I'm really worried about you".
"I think you're not right, and I'm really concerned".
This goes on for 3 hours, with her telling me I'm not being myself, how I come off as a control freak sometimes, and how I need to "express my feelings". The whole time I'm sitting there, nodding politely, and taking it as constructive criticism. I did manage to speak a few times about how I was sorry, but then I was told I "shouldn't be sorry". But then we got into a problem I'm having with a mutual friend. Apparently I'm the bad guy for not being psychic. But "that's ok, because you have to let her know you are frustrated with her".
Then she started going on about my treatment. She's a recovering ED (clean for a few years, very proud of her!) and bipolar, so she understands the whole thing. Except apparently my doctors suck. Because me going from beyond depressed and a secret addict to clean and stable happened overnight. "VV, your therapist and psychiatrist don't seem to understand how to administer treatment. You shouldn't be on [medication] because you don't need it!". She was not a psychology major. She knows the only reason I take the medication is so that I don't dissociate. That one cut to the core.
Also she said I shouldn't date until "I get to know myself" and "can finally be honest". Yet she would not shut up about her sex life, as examples of how I should be honest.
So what should have been an awesome night at an awesome place turned into on of those conversations. The kind where someone asks you how you are, and cuts you off to tell you your shortcomings. I get it that if your friends can't tell you something, no one can. I truly do. And all the things she listed are things I'm deeply ashamed about and have been working on for years. I don't know what to think. On one hand, I feel worse than I already did, but maybe this was a good kick in the ass. On the other hand, I was looking forward to The Polo Lounge all week, and felt like I was under attack the whole time. I put on my best face, took it, listened-but honestly I just wanted to leave. By the end of the night I was double-fisting a cocktail and champagne (which a friend who couldn't make it left for us-couldn't believe it!).
I internalize these things. I always think in advance so I don’t hurt anyone, and now I’m thinking “if I’m all of these things, I’m a terrible person”. I know I’m not. I’m working on it. I just wish I could have shared what’s actually going well in my life, but “VV, you shouldn’t define yourself by what you do in school”. That was a blow too. I guess I’ll tell her that she kinda ruined my night. If she wanted to have that conversation, it was not meant to be at The Polo Lounge.
But I got my lucky pen! At least that was nice.
Edit: It all just hit me, and now I'm sobbing. It just...I can't. I want to lash out but that's rude.
I'm so fucked in the head that that statement makes sense to me. About lashing out.
Edit the second: you guys rock. I want to take you all to The Polo Lounge. Fucking amazing. I'm in such a better place. And thanks for the mad crazy props on my thesis skillz. I actually write them for fun, and I was really fucking proud that I blew my classes mind with the Teresa one. Next up: Vicki from RHOOC.