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For those of you who don't know, I'm trying to move to San Jose, CA (from northern Missouri) to be with my long-term girlfriend, who took a job out there not too long ago. The logistics of moving and finding a new job are kind of killing me right now (almost literally due to how much severe anxiety I've been experiencing lately). My plan was to stay here for a few extra months to save up money, prep the apartment for the next tenant, and then join her, but it's becoming too much for me right now. Here are some of the things keeping me up at night:

— I don't know what to do about our animals. My girlfriend has a dog that she had to leave here for the time being, and I have a cat. I have no clue how to travel cross country with two pets, and if I can't bring them, then what? My girlfriend's parents could probably take in the dog, but her parents and my mother HATE cats, so I don't know what to do with him.


— I don't know what to do with all of our crap. I'm either driving my tiny car or flying, and so I can only bring so much stuff. My girlfriend left behind A LOT of clothes, plus there's a bunch of furniture that's not really worth taking to California but it has to go somewhere. I have my girlfriend's permission to have a yard sale for all of the excess stuff, and while some extra cash would be nice, planning a yard sale is a huge pain the ass.

— I don't know how I'm getting to California. I need to take my car to a garage to get it checked out, but I'm worried the mechanics will laugh at me when I tell them I want to take my jank ass car to California. I don't really want to drive the 30 hours it takes to get from here to SJ, but what if I need my car to look for a job? Flying would be a lot simpler, but the job thing again.

— Speaking of which, I've been trying to look for jobs, but I'm overwhelmed. My strategy to look for jobs has always been a combination of looking online and and in person, but obviously I can't look in person right now. I'm not even sure what I want to do. I work in TV production right now, and I really like it, but I also am aware that it's a very niche job, and I might not be able to find something similar in SJ. I'm trying to keep my mind open about jobs, but then my net is too wide, so to speak. I spent the first few years out of college working on vegetable farms, and I'm willing to go back to that if it pays well enough, but I haven't really found any places in the Bay Area that are hiring now. I thought California was supposed to be the land of shiny happy hippies. Where the fuck are all of the farms?

— I'm super worried I'm going to run out of money before I find a job. My arrangement with my girlfriend is that she will help with rent while I job search, but I don't know how far my ~3K or so in savings will go in the Bay Area.


— This should be a secondary concern or even a tertiary concern right now, but one of my close friends is getting married in St.Louis in September, and I'm not sure I can go. It wouldn't be a big deal I guess, but another one of my close friends got married last year, and I had to skip it for financial reasons, and I'm starting to feel like a huge piece of shit for bailing on these weddings of people I really care about.

— I really really miss my girlfriend, like really bad. We talk every day over Facebook chat, and sometimes on the phone, but it's just been really hard without her. The last time I was in a long-distance relationship, I was 3 hours away from my SO rather than 30. California seems so far away sometimes it might as well be in another country.


— Y'all advised me to not tell my supervisors that I'm leaving until it's absolutely necessary, but it is super super weird to go to work and pretend that everything is normal. Not that I have a lot of close friends at work, but still, it is kind of messing with my head.

— And on that note, my psychiatrist has wanted me to try upping my Prozac for a while now, and I finally got around to it after my girlfriend left because I had a hunch (that turned out to be true) that I'd be depressed without her around, but I can't tell if the higher dosage is helping or hurting me because I honestly can't remember the last time I've cried this much (I've been crying A LOT lately.)


I think that's about it. TL;DR — my life is a big, lonely mess, and I'm feeling super fucked right now.

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