I am sad. Overwhelmed with sadness, feelings of inadequacy, and a sense that I’ll never be enough. Yay for lingering emotional trauma! How does anyone ever move past it? I have more negative thoughts about myself since the breakup. It’s kinda scary. The effects of his words and attitude toward me have put old me and post-breakup me in stark relief. It’s disgusting how much of myself I pushed aside and ignored and cut away for him to not feel threatened. I don’t know how to leave those feelings behind me. I cried myself to sleep, and then I woke up to pee and I’m crying now. I hate that he’s probably just fucking fine, because why wouldn’t he be? He doesn’t have pesky old me asking questions and “not working with him” and not “emasculating” him and not “embarrassing him for being one of the ‘bigger’ gfs in the unit” (what with my very normal and fit size 12/14) and not “being supportive” (tell that to my two moves for his military career, endless care packages sent to war zones and late nights to catch him on skype over a shitty Internet connection). I really don’t want to go to work today (I have to be in in about 4hrs) but I don’t want to fuck the team so I’ll try my best to get through the day. I want him to hurt like I do. I actively want him to hurt. And that’s mean and awful and inconsiderate. Some of the anger fades every day, but I feel so terrible about me so much of the time. I miss feeling like I didn’t have to walk on eggshells with myself. I miss feeling confident and lovable and attractive. I miss feeling like myself. Thanks for the memories, right? HAHHAA