I started my new job. It’s great, the people are wonderful, the benefits are incredible, and I’m terrified. Cut for talk about mental health stuff.

I know people here have posted about imposter syndrome when you get into a position you’ve worked towards for a long time. I get that it’s normal even though it’s irrational. Apparently it’s even more common in helping professions (I am working for a nonprofit counseling agency). It’s hitting me especially hard. Like, cannot sleep through the night, hypervigilant, nausea, migraine for three days straight. I feel like, for lack of a better term, a basket case for feeling this upset over something that is resoundingly good. Who the fuck gets this upset about 1. getting their dream job 2. having amazing health benefits 3. a retirement plan 4. uplifting and supportive coworkers who will mentor me in my long term goals? I feel selfish and wrong for feeling this way, and angry at myself on some level for standing in my own way and not allowing the good in.

I’m not used to things panning out in a positive way for me, and I somewhat have a history of self sabotage...just in the sense that for a long time I would never go out for stuff that I wanted, whether it was a job, an audition, making a new friend or romantic partner, because I’d convince myself that I wouldn’t get it/didn’t deserve it and it was safer to not try and not get my heart broken. It sucked. I am glad I’m actively working to not do that anymore. Now I am in this new place where I am struggling so hard to feel anything good because my body is SCREAMING that I’m in imminent danger and shit is going to go sideways.

I am prone to anxiety and depression. I was diagnosed with PTSD a few years back, and I’m assuming that this is triggering me in some ways that I haven’t identified before, because the amount of fear I’m feeling is....debilitating and completely out of proportion. I wrote an email to my therapist telling her where I was at and spilled my guts about all the irrational circling thoughts and cried. I see her on Friday and I’m reasonably confident I can hold on until then. Because I work with counselors I may seek one out tomorrow and see if they have any wisdom about dealing with imposter syndrome while working in the field. I don’t know.

I mainly just needed to get this off my chest. If you have suggestions for self soothing in this kind of situation, I’d appreciate it. I’m trying. I’m doing my meditation and I’ve written it all out and I’m trying to remember to keep breathing. It feels a little bit like throwing a glass of water on a burning house fire though.