In the span of a week and a half, I've, in order: realized (because I said it out loud, and that makes it real) that I'm just mediocre no matter how hard I try, fell back into the trap of serious self-image problems, torn between taking a long vacation (will explain why) and living in my city for a few more months, that I was seriously neglected, and had a serious-like, the worst one I've had-nightmeare. I just need to type this out in a safe place. Still shaking from the dream. I'll keep it all as short as possible:

  1. Mediocrity: I've always known I'm not a special snowflake. I have my strengths and stuff, but I'm not going to be remarkable in the ways I want. I'll end up doing something I don't really want to do. But that's life, and life sucks.
  2. Fear and Loathing is self image and vanity: I didn't discipline myself over break. I ate shitty food and I gained enough weight that my clothes don't fit well. I look in the mirror and want to punch it. I'm doing everything in my power to get back on the horse, but I'm disappointed in myself. This is so vain. I used to be happy with myself, but now I feel like crap-and I want to cry. Everything takes time, but I just want to cry.
  3. I'm scared to go away to foreign countries on my own. Anxiety and fear. My parents are pretty much saying I'm the kid from The Ransom of Red Chief-no one would kidnap me because I'm annoying-and I feel like they're trying to get rid of me. I also want to stay in the city, which is the only home I've ever known. I just want safety and an adventure-but I can't choose.
  4. Neglect, I suppose: remembered a series of things that were ignored when I was younger in therapy: sucking on batteries without anyone noticing, being aggressively hit on by a family friend at 11-and my parents joking about it, being kissed (without consent) by two drunk old men when I was 13-in a foreign country-because I wasn't under any supervision (drunk parents, again a joke to them), and just feeling unsafe in general because they had no parental instincts when it came to me.
  5. The dream from hell: just being controlled and abused by a person I respect who is in an authority position. The face was obscured or kept changing, but I felt that it was a person who had that power. No matter how much I tried to change the storyline, it was the same result.

I am not in a great place right now. I'm trying to function and everything, but it's really hard. I see a trend of fearing for my safety, and feeling like nothing. It happens to all of use, but I feel like I've been sucker punched in the gut.

Thank you so much for reading and everything.

Edit: Thank you so much. I really appreciate all the support and advice. Like always, GT has proved to be the best folks on the internets.