In the span of a week and a half, I've, in order: realized (because I said it out loud, and that makes it real) that I'm just mediocre no matter how hard I try, fell back into the trap of serious self-image problems, torn between taking a long vacation (will explain why) and living in my city for a few more months, that I was seriously neglected, and had a serious-like, the worst one I've had-nightmeare. I just need to type this out in a safe place. Still shaking from the dream. I'll keep it all as short as possible:
- Mediocrity: I've always known I'm not a special snowflake. I have my strengths and stuff, but I'm not going to be remarkable in the ways I want. I'll end up doing something I don't really want to do. But that's life, and life sucks.
- Fear and Loathing is self image and vanity: I didn't discipline myself over break. I ate shitty food and I gained enough weight that my clothes don't fit well. I look in the mirror and want to punch it. I'm doing everything in my power to get back on the horse, but I'm disappointed in myself. This is so vain. I used to be happy with myself, but now I feel like crap-and I want to cry. Everything takes time, but I just want to cry.
- I'm scared to go away to foreign countries on my own. Anxiety and fear. My parents are pretty much saying I'm the kid from The Ransom of Red Chief-no one would kidnap me because I'm annoying-and I feel like they're trying to get rid of me. I also want to stay in the city, which is the only home I've ever known. I just want safety and an adventure-but I can't choose.
- Neglect, I suppose: remembered a series of things that were ignored when I was younger in therapy: sucking on batteries without anyone noticing, being aggressively hit on by a family friend at 11-and my parents joking about it, being kissed (without consent) by two drunk old men when I was 13-in a foreign country-because I wasn't under any supervision (drunk parents, again a joke to them), and just feeling unsafe in general because they had no parental instincts when it came to me.
- The dream from hell: just being controlled and abused by a person I respect who is in an authority position. The face was obscured or kept changing, but I felt that it was a person who had that power. No matter how much I tried to change the storyline, it was the same result.
I am not in a great place right now. I'm trying to function and everything, but it's really hard. I see a trend of fearing for my safety, and feeling like nothing. It happens to all of use, but I feel like I've been sucker punched in the gut.
Thank you so much for reading and everything.
Edit: Thank you so much. I really appreciate all the support and advice. Like always, GT has proved to be the best folks on the internets.