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in need of hope, and making a promise to myself

I am in the ugly stages of grief over this relationship.

I really just feel like my heart has been shattered into about a million tiny pieces. The mere thought of ever trying to trust someone like this again is horrifying to me because of the way I feel now. I have been trying to wake up early every day so I have an opportunity to vent my emotions (i.e. cry, mostly) for at least an hour before I have to go anywhere or do anything. It’s somewhat effective but it’s not stopping the avalanches of tears from hitting me out of nowhere while I’m driving, working, or doing other things.

My friends are being really good to me but I really wish I didn’t live alone right now. I wake up wishing he was here holding me and sometimes I just want someone to sleep on my couch so I won’t be all by myself early in the day.


I miss him so much that I feel physically ill. I know he’s in a bad place. I know it would do me zero good to contact him. I would just feel worse about myself, and that would teach him that I’m willing to cave to him even after all of the pain he has put me through and I cannot do it. If he loves me on any level he will wait for me to become strong before I see him or talk to him again because I know I have to put myself first. I promised myself I would wait at least a full two weeks before I attempt to respond to his last text from Friday, which puts me at the weekend of the 11th. I may need to wait longer or just not even talk to him at all, I don’t really know, but that at least a time bound agreement I’m making with myself so I have something to aim for and stick to.

This whole thing just feels like a mistake. I am so angry and sad and all I want to do is escape this pain. I feel like it’s never going to be my turn to be happy. I know that’s a lie and that it’s my fear talking, but it sure feels all-fucking-consuming. He was my best fucking friend and I felt safer with him than anybody in the entire word and I am terrified I will never feel this way ever again. Some of the most precious memories of my entire life are tied directly to him. I haven’t cried like this in many years and it honestly scares me. I just want the person I loved back.

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