I'm not doing well emotionally this week. I'm not super comfortable talking about this with people in my immediate circle of friends right now, so I am going to just write it out here.

I've just been feeling really low for about a week now. I think it's a combination of factors. My hormones are out of whack (I lost my insurance and switched to an generic birth control pill. It hasn't been working for me side effects wise. I retained a ton of water and my sleep was interrupted, and I'm not sexually active at the moment so I stopped taking it after three months of seeing if I'd adjust.) It may be partially because I cut my carb intake and I've heard that can also affect your neurotransmitters, so I plan on having a baked sweet potato tonight and seeing if that helps.

Mostly though, I feel really isolated. I've been struggling with some of what's happened in my family and my choice to greatly reduce if not cease all contact with them. I am pissed at my aunt for behaving the way that she has and trying to hold everyone hostage with her suicide threats. I'm pissed at my uncle for enabling her and drinking to hide from it all. I'm pissed at my mom for being so passive and checked out. I'm pissed at my (guy) cousin for not being a safe person to talk to anymore after years of being close to me, because he's buried himself in extreme conservative christianity to hide from the pain. I'm angry that I had to teach myself from the ground up how to be a functioning human being with a modicum of emotional regulation because I literally have had no model for that. All of this anger though is just covering up a deep grief. I want to resist the urge to tell myself that I should be over it and just suck it up because I am learning now more that grieving is not linear and I may be peeling back the layers of this onion for a long time to come.

I have things to be joyful about. School is going well, I am taking better care of my health. I know there are people around me who want me to succeed and feel loved. It's so hard for me to feel proud of or accomplished in anything that I do, because I have always, always felt like I've had to do it alone, and I'm really tired of it. I just want someone to look at me and be able to say "I get it".

I was wondering if you guys would share with me some of your favorite self-care techniques, whether it's a specific activity, a book you like to read, journaling, et cetera. I went ahead and texted some people to see if they'd go have a burger with me later, and I think I am going to color in my Batman coloring book later...I totally bought one and a box of 64 crayola crayons, and I've been shading in Batman and Robin's costumes in non-gender conforming colors.