*I have never owned a Nike product in my life, but I thought this ad was pretty cool, and appropriate for this post.
This may be a weird post, but I need to vent and I'm not sure who I can tell this to. So I will start with some backstory. I have always struggled to keep my weight up. For the last two years or so, I've been just under a healthy weight for me. Then last fall I took my first teaching job. I've mentioned some of my experiences there in comments, but basically it turned out to be an alternative school, which I was not told in my interview. Think Dangerous Minds before the heartwarming montage. I only lasted one semester before I had to quit, because the stress was taking a very real physical toll. One part of that was the fact that I lost over 20 pounds due to stress. In a little over 3 months. I went from slightly underweight to seriously underweight.
I have been trying to put that weight back on for about 6 months now, with some, but not complete, success. Of course there are health concerns, but what I want to talk about now more shallow than that.
I used to have an absolutely killer ass. I may not be the most gorgeous girl in the room, but if I walked by in a pair of tight jeans, I knew every guy nearby was gonna turn and stare. And I didn't even care, because damnit, I'd stare, too, if I were them. My ass was the single body part that I thought was sexy. It was the only thing about me, period, that made me feel sexy.
When I lost all that weight, I lost my butt. And it may sound silly, but my physical confidence disappeared with it. At one point, I freaked MrManzana out by having a crying meltdown in a fitting room. I couldn't find any pants that fit, and we had been to 5 stores already. And every single thing I tried on made my ass look saggy and flat. Mainly because my ass now is saggy and flat. And now, months and months later, I still don't have any pants that fit. Several people told me to go to Banana Republic, because they have a great variety of extra-small sizes. Great, except we don't have Banana Republic money. We have TJ Maxx, Walmart, and thrift store money. With the budget I have, there are no adult sizes that currently fit me. And the few things I could find in the Juniors section were trendy and weird and made me look like a teenager. Since I already look like I'm about 16 years old, I can't do that.
I have gone from feeling sexy and confident when I walk by in a pair of tight jeans, to not even being able to find a pair of tight fitting jeans. I have tried to put that weight back on, and while I've gained some of it back, my ass has not returned. And I've hit a plateau where I haven't been able to go up in weight for about 3 months now, no matter what I try.
The reason I felt like I needed to write this tonight was because of an incident that happened to me at the gas station today. I was waiting in line when a random woman came up to me and told me, "Why don't you eat something, sweetie? You know, real women have curves." I'd like to tell you that I had a sharp remark for this woman, but instead I went to my car and cried for about 10 minutes before I could drive home. Because the fact is, I felt like a real woman when I had curves. And now I don't.