Yesterday, my friend who is a photographer asked me to model for her, and I was like "yes, yes, a thousand times yes" before she even finished asking. You had me at "professional hair and makeup." This is the adult approved version of playing dress up and I am all in.

For starters, my hair has a bad attitude. If you can wrangle it into looking like something special, you are some form of demi-god and consider using your powers for the greater good. Secondly, I love colors. If it's bright, if it sparkles, I want that shit and I want it now. But other than my impressive collection of glitter eyeliners, I don't really do much special with my makeup. I only wear it for work and for work I have to look, I dunno, responsible or some shit like that.

When I first arrived, I could see all the models' pre-session surveys spread on the table. Okay, when I first arrived I was like "FREE CHAMPAGNE, JUSTAPHOTOGRAPHER MY FRIEND YOU BURIED THE LEDE" then I ate all the cookies, then I could see all the models' pre-session surveys spread on the table. You can tell which was one is mine without reading them. I wrote a very detailed paragraph for each section outlining my hair, my makeup, my face, my hopes, my dreams....I guess everyone else just answered the question? With one or two words?

I nestled in and prepared for my grand transformation. Makeup is like a grand beautiful mystery to me, and it secrets were about to be professionally revealed. I asked her to explain her steps to me. I had visions of fancy words. Words like: shading....palette....tone....highlight...define....blend.....shit was about to get real.

Sample narration: This is to make your eyebrows standout more. This is to make your eyebrows stand out less.

I have indecisive eyebrows y'all.

I got basically some community theater stage makeup. Only one shade of eyeshadow, a thick coppery pigment all across the lid and nothing else. False lashes that would not stay stuck, causing my eyes to look lopsided (hopefully in all the photos!). I think she used the entire container of blush so I feel really proud about that. I definitely won at Most Blush. Look at my Youthful Blush Y'all. When those pictures come out I am guaranteed to look Fucking Demure And Rosy Cheeked. Neutral lip. Neutral lip? Sigh. Neutral lip.

Also, if the nice lady had read my essay in response to questions about my hair, I did warn her it doesn't hold a curl.

So maybe I'm not cut out to be a model. But I made my money back in free champagne. I still had fun playing dress-up. Next week, let's play tea party.