Holy shit, you guys, thank you so much. So much.

So here's the thing I came to: the thing that is frustrating about this life is that you never get to see what if. The thing I used to love best about myself was that I rarely said no to anything, and I was really happy. So I'm just going to do that again. Perhaps not so much with the picking up and driving four states over for a week for funsies, but maybe next time someone asks me to hang out I'll say yes. And if it goes well I will tell them what my life is, and what I have space for, and what I cannot be. It's not that I can't live without sex, it's that I can't live without the possibility. If I'm lucky enough to have another romance, that would be awesome. Some people don't even get what I've already had, and I'm not terribly greedy. Still, I'm far too young to resign myself, and I think I've waited long enough.

As for telling him, well, I think maybe I'll just see where he is if it becomes an issue. Maybe I can keep it to myself and have a thing that is mine for now, until it becomes pressing. And then I'll be able to look at it for whatever it is and make a better call. I don't see any need to make him feel guilty for a thing that may never happen. He tries his best, it's just that he can't see his way out of it yet. He'll get there or he won't, but in the meantime he's an amazing dad and my best friend. He still sometimes curls up on the couch with me and watches bad Netflix. He knows what I'm talking about when I make stupendously outdated political jokes. (Seriously, potatoe jokes. I still make them.) I need him to be around for the girls, and he needs me to take care of him so that he can. That's the really important part, and I know he'd do the same for me if it were the other way around.

So I'm going to reclaim a little punk rock and see whether that's the thing I'm missing. I can't tell you guys how much I appreciate the advice and the sounding board. I wanted to say this: I have not found the bottom yet. If I find myself getting all explody, I know where to go and what medicine to take. For now, I'm okay. Being a military spouse drives home how lucky one is in a way that I've never felt before; I have the hope of finding him in there somewhere. A lot of people never get that. I just need to navigate the in-between so that when he comes out of it I'm still here, and if he never comes out of it I can still feel like I lived my life.

You guys, thank you so, so much.