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There's this woman who has my last name and first initial, who like others with this combo, enjoys signing my email address up for things they want to receive. I had already called her cell phone twice to tell her to stop; I'd even told her the last 4 digits of her credit card. Also, I may have been drinking when her eHarmony profile reminder arrived. Let's call her Janet.*

"You should complete your profile so we can make matches for you!" it said. I'm paraphrasing. I have a particular distaste for eHarmony— something about only accepting Christian heterosexual people seeking marriage with the purpose of having children. Everyone else gets a rejection letter saying "not marriage material. Womp Womp."** Let's just say that when the profile reminder arrived, I decided to have some fun.


Like many websites, they didn't require that you confirm your email address or answer a secret question to have your password changed via email. I always do love when they let me use my email account to change someone's password to lock them out of the account that they signed up with with my address. I changed her password, signed into her account and finished her profile for her. (I often use the password "fuckyou" for this, which makes me wonder why "fuckyou" is one of the world's most common passwords.)

I'd heard that eHarmony would accept any person who claimed to be Christian, heterosexual, interested in marriage, and interested in children. I decided to put this claim to the test. I made Janet the most undatable person on the planet, and I must say that the recent OKC attempt to make someone as undatable as possible doesn't hold a candle to dear Janet.


Janet was looking for a rich husband (so she can watch soaps) with whom she would refuse to have sex because sex is gross, on whom she would cheat with his friends while openly mocking him for it, who should would physically abuse like she does her children, something that sent her to jail during her last marriage and was the cause of her divorce; a fat, alcoholic, drug-addicted pathological liar who occasionally has breaks from reality for which she has been institutionalized; a woman who contradicted herself on the control questions (the ones that appear multiple times reworded in order to ensure the validity of a psychological exam). But I made her a Christian, conservative, heterosexual mother of two, interested in marriage.


"Congratulations! You're marriage material!"


Within a day, I had 3 matches. Within another day, another 3. Repeated "[man's name] wants you to upload a picture" messages started coming in. People started sending contact requests. I reported my findings to the internets. I didn't go back to eHarmony. After a couple of years, I got tired of the matches and photo upload requests and contact requests, and I went back to eHarmony to unsubscribe.

Hypothesis confirmed.***

Hey, Alli Reed, troll harder. They will still come.

* Name may or may not have been changed to protect the tech illiterate asshole.

**(Dear douchebro, gay marriage didn't harm your business; your business was harmed by your own bigotry; the marketplace doesn't like your politics or business practices. That's your fault and your business suffering for it is the consequences of your actions. Sorrynotsorry that you find it to be bigoted against you to face consequences for your behavior.)


*** ETA: Yes, I know that this only confirmed that eHarmony is fucking problematic and not that it proves that it hates everyone.

ETA2: Janet is black and has two children. I knew this about her before I screwed up her profile on eHarmony. Since I did this, she got a job as a nurse's aide, was fired for not being unreliable, got hired as a nurse's aide again and probably would have been more reliable had her work schedule been mailed to her address instead of mine. One of her children plays t-ball. Since I did this to her profile, she has been pregnant, married, and divorced.

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