I am just so done today. I am so fucking done. I'm doing this to myself, causing all this stress and making these problems and every single time I think "there has got to be another way" I work myself back into this problem. And I'm done, tonight. But I can't afford to be done. I have a list and on that list I have five things that I absolutely have to do. Must.

I just… I want to be excited to get married. And like 85% of the time, I really am. I am as excited as I get, which I suppose doesn't look like much to other people. But I just can't, anymore. I can't. I can't deal with the passive aggressive arguments or the "innocent" remarks, I can't deal with having to rely on other people, I can't deal with all of the normal stress of planning a wedding with the additional stress of my visa application and the additional stress of planning a wedding where half of my in-laws to be don't actually like me ALL ON TOP OF the stress of planning a wedding where you have to constantly tell people that nope, sorry, your mom won't be needing that email/list/information because SHE'S DEAD and no, sorry, your dad won't need it either because HE WILL BE DEAD SOON TOO.

I just… How am I supposed to be excited, anymore? How on earth am I supposed to be happy? I'm too chicken shit to tell my mom's partner I'm getting married because I haven't spoken to her in over a year. I can't make myself stay at the hospital because my dad isn't quite there mentally and I'm afraid if I have to face that and actually come to terms with it I'm going to absolutely lose it and that will be it for me. I can't afford a mental breakdown right now, because I have way too much to do. And money is so tight, but this visa is costing so much that I am doing exactly the opposite of what I should be and buying fucking Starbucks and Taco Bell every single day even though I REALLY DON'T HAVE any extra money.

I had to ask a girl from work that I literally have never seen outside of work if she wanted to go dress shopping with me because my dad won't be able to go and someone has to help him with Skype so he can see it, which means my stepmom can't go, and my only (only.) friend that lives here is flaky and I'm too used to her leaving me stranded at the last minute to count on her for anything. I basically asked a stranger to go wedding dress shopping with me, because I have no one else. And I can't plan to do it a few weeks from now when other people (what other people?) could make it, because I don't know what is going to happen with my dad and I'd rather he be awake and aware when I try the dress on, even if that means I have to go alone. In fact, I'd rather go alone but I need someone to hold up my iPad or phone to Skype with my dad, so that's not a possibility.

I don't want to be this sad. When I think about all the shit we're doing so that Mr Caterpillar's family can be there it makes me feel like such an asshole, because in my mind the entire point of going to Australia was to AVOID all the family stuff. But this is important to him, and we're getting married so far away from where he lives that a lot of people he knows and loves won't be there. This wedding can't get any smaller, it really can't. And when I imagine it, I don't picture myself this sad.

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But dammit. Dammit if thinking about how ridiculous all of this seems when all the people I love aren't going to be around to see it. I'm sorry, but this all seems too fucking hard and I just want to give up. Fuck it, we won't get married, I won't move to Australia, and I can stay in this bed in this room and DIE. Because that is ALL I want to do right now.

And my aunt, who is lovely, is trying to organize a bridal shower over here for me. And I just want to scream because no. No. Just… no. Who would come? No one on that side of the family has kept in touch over the years, so they would have very little idea of who I am, and what is their incentive to come? I don't want people that I am distantly related to buying me gifts. I don't want people I am closely related to buying me gifts. I don't want money or presents. I can't deal with the stress that would come with. Can you imagine?

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I thought about calling my aunts from my mom's family, to see if they could meet me at the bridal salon (it's a long drive for me but not so much for them) but why? Why would I do that? It would just drive home the point that my mom isn't alive to be there with me. I don't want a mom substitute.

Dammit, I just don't want to be this sad. I don't want to be this sad and angry and emotional and stressed. I want to be happy that I'm getting married. I want to be happy that as irritating as they are, my in-laws are spectacular by any reasonable standard and I'm lucky they love me as much as they do. I want to be able to appreciate the time I have left with my dad, not feel the urge to run and hide. I want to be able to make a list of things I need to do and then actually be able to do them, not HIDE FROM THE ACTUAL LIST AS THOUGH THE LIST CAN SEE ME AND IS JUDGING ME. I want to be able to send a note to my mom's partner and talk to her, because I miss her and I know my mom would be (is? Depending on your beliefs about heaven.) disappointed in me. I want to actually make a follow-up appointment with my OBGYN to look at the results of my HSG and actually get my BRCA test. I want to be able to go back in time a month to when Mr Caterpillar was still here and take a damn picture of him and my dad together because I didn't get one of those and now all I can think about is how I will never, ever have that chance again and how I'm the biggest idiot on earth.

I want to not have to rely on other people for anything, because in my experience, they will ALWAYS let you down. The only person who never let me down is my mom, and she's gone, and that just makes everything in the world a million times harder. I want to be able to function as a normal adult.

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I only have seven more minutes of self-pity, so I'm going to use it to find another box of Kleenex and heat up some dinner. Sorry for being the downer on GT tonight, I know everyone is dealing with some crazy shit right now and I am being incredibly melodramatic, but I really need to get it out before it spills out in public. So thanks for always being here (there? everywhere?) for me.