Today has been a rough day, y'all. I've never done that before, although I've come really close. In all fairness, it had nothing to do with work itself, but with the fact that today I lost my temper and blurted out to my ex that I don't want to try to be friends any more.
This was a decision that was a long time coming - I've admitted it to myself and tried to plan how to exit the friendship for probably about the last two months, and gotten rid of the biggest practical tie we had in a shared car. And I've just been trying to figure out how to do it - the slow gradual fade? Or the deep, heavy convo and abrupt stop?
Except today, I lost my temper at something he'd done over the weekend, which was really triggering of all of the negative things and trust issues I have with him, and just wrote, I'm done. And explained slightly, then apologized for doing it in that way, then asked to talk to him. We're talking tomorrow night, so I will be just a big old huge mess until then. And probably after then. This is the worst I've felt since right after the breakup.
I know I need to. He broke off our relationship, and treated me not great for the last while we were together. I have significant trust issues because of the way he acted for the first six months after we broke up - immediately dating another girl and breaking a lot of promises about how he said he'd treat me. Part of me feels like I just need to leave him before he leaves me again. And deep down at it all, I have a lot of hurt because he rejected me. When we hang out, something he says or does (not on purpose) makes me feel shitty or triggers something that makes me feel bad. And I have to believe that even though he knows me well and I enjoy hanging out with him, I can find other friends to be know me well and that I can enjoy hanging out with that don't make me feel bad at the same time. And part of me is so, so, so angry with him for the way I was treated and feels like I shouldn't be rewarding him with my friendship. I don't know how to deal with that anger. I hate him for destroying a future I really wanted and that I worked really hard for. I hate him for giving up on me. I didn't give up on our friendship for a long time after the breakup just because it seemed too unfair - too much to lose that I would not only lose a life I loved, and a boyfriend and a future I put everything into, but that I would my best friend too. And now I think I'm okay enough and have dealt with the other losses enough to deal with this one but man it feels horrible. How can I be friends with someone that has hurt me horribly, that makes me feel bad when I'm around them, and that I don't trust?
And I don't know how to move on while we're still friends. But I have this horrible guilt about leaving the friendship, and I really don't want to - I love him as a person and there are so many things I'll miss. I also know that he's trying really hard to be a different person, and I don't want this to set his journey back, and I am fighting every instinct I have that tells me to always be there for someone I love and support them, in order to try to take care of myself.
I know that I'm taking a step forward (right?) but emotionally it feels like I've just taken this huge step backwards and I'm all anxious and upset and off balance.
I don't even know what I need. Gifs? Hugs? Love and reassurance? Stories of how you did something similar and it felt like you were cutting a piece of yourself out but you ended up better? Completely random topics to distract me? I'll take whatever you've got, GT. Thanks just for listening even if you don't got anything.
I'm going to the gym. And then I'm going to go home and watch 50 episodes of Charmed because I find nothing more comforting than Alyssa Milano's incredibly 90s fashion sense.