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Inane Yet Incredibly Important, Perplexing Dilemma About Which I Shouldn't Be Complaining.....(tw: rambling; negative thoughts about weight using the word freak)

Last January I had weight loss surgery. I feel so, so lucky that this was covered by insurance SO HOW DARE I COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING. I've lost about 85 pounds so far. At right about the same time, my 14 year old dog began getting sick and we had a marathon of all kinds of veterinary things, and then Alzheimers' things (my Dad); between them all these things cost a lot of money, and it was all on my CC. I guess I dealt with it with a lot of stress shopping — and all this time I am losing weight and have a full time job so like I need clothes to wear to work, and that's been all going on my CC. So to save money I've been buying a lot on ebay — but then, unsuccessful purchases can't be returned. To minimize this I've been trying to get some of the same pieces I had in plus size (mainly Eileen Fisher) in the regular size versions. Just now I got a jacket in XL that I have in 2X and the XL is like twice the size of the 2X. It was $50, so in the scheme of things is a flea bite compared to the debt I've racked up since January, but for some reason it's triggering a money and clothes anxiety spiral.

For years I've struggled with severe social anxiety and a lot of that centers around having clothes to wear to go places other than work (I have to just suck it up and go to work however I feel about clothes; I often bail on fun events or social things, though, if I don't feel confident about clothes but you need to do those things to have an actual life). It's not that I feel like I must have excellent clothes or that anyone will judge me, it's just a question of my own social anxiety being soothed by feeling like I look ok. Where I am right now, my body is changing so fast — don't get me wrong, I am THRILLED — but it actually scares me a little, and I wasn't prepared for this feeling. It is so ironic, because I used to comfort-eat to manage these feelings and I literally cannot do that any more. I guess I've fallen into comfort e-shopping instead and though I've managed to get some good pieces, I don't have actual outfits that go together and I have a huge debt *and* nothing to wear.

I have no idea really what size I am and I really need to try on clothes but I haven't shopped in a brick and mortar store in ten years or more, and they *really* make me super anxious. I tried to go into a department store the other week and between the blaring music and the people (I live in Manhattan and this department store is a tourist destination), I literally got dizzy and fled the premises like a criminal or something. My head was screaming "YOU FAT FREAK YOU DON'T BELONG IN THIS STORE HOW DARE YOU," which is an old script which is bullshit anyway, no one is looking at me, I know. Just looking at the clothes in the regular size section... they look impossibly tiny, and I'm so used to wearing the exact same kind of clothes every day that other things look weird and foreign, and not even real. I know I just need to grab a lot of things and try them on, but I honestly am not sure what looks good on me, and what I should be wearing, and I don't want to spend a lot because my body is still changing, but I also want quality things. But this debt is starting to become haunting. Now I'm struggling with anxiety, weight, debt, worrying, and feeling guilty all the time.


I need Stacey London to come to my house and yell at me and then take me shopping and tell me what looks good. I wish there were stylists for real life people like me (I have looked on line but only found people who work with models and actresses). I know there are personal shoppers in some big stores (and the service is free), but just thinking of it triggers the feeling of being a freak who has no business doing anything like that; plus I know the clothes they pull will be expensive. On WNTW they did buy some high priced good quality things, but then they also must have gotten reasonable simple things to end up with that many pieces on $5000.

Most of this has been venting, but GT, what do you suggest? I need wisdom!

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