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Inexplicable choices

Dear journal groupthink, this weekend I've been on a date with boyfriend ex (?) and spent the rest at his my pace while he stays elsewhere. Monday we're going to our first therapy session.

Saturday morning we met up and went to the Rijksmuseum, for those of you who don't know, it's the largest museum in the Netherlands, it is truly amazing. We wandered around for 2 and a half hour, scouring the many paintings for bunny's. (I love it when I spot a bunny in real life and can never resist the urge to call it out, like an overexcited child "bunny!" The area around our house is actually filled with them, I can spot up to 20 on a really good day, this has had no influence on my excitement)

We had a great time, we shared the audio tour, we talked, we laughed. It all felt very familiar and fun. Afterwards we went for a final drink and it got more awkward here. I felt like I was the one upholding the conversation. It was nice that he was so interested in all I had to say but silence set in and things got quiet. And boring. We went back to our place, he packed and left and I got to enjoy our house.


I cuddled with my cat (she missed me, I can tell!), took a bath, ordered bad takeout which I loved and slept like a baby. In the morning it started to feel odd that I was here alone, we'd usually buy breakfast groceries together these days (unlike at the old house, where I always ended up having to run to the store because I got sick of waiting for him to get up and going, a source of weekly frustration). I made myself pancakes and a fruitsalad. I texted him of my plans and after his inquiry let him know that I nailed the pancakes thing. It felt nice to be in touch with him.

Now I'm sitting here and for some reason am thinking how I would redecorate the place if I wanted to. He says without a doubt I could do whatever I wanted to the house so I'm entertaining the notion. Like these adorable pillows!

Or this cute clock!


Or a colorful rug like this!


Or this!


Monday we're starting therapy. It's Emotionally Focused Therapy and supposedly it helps a lot of couples. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Or if this is a huge mistake. I just know that this is the only step forward I can make at this time.

TLDR : Date was familiar & awkward, fun & boring. It's weird being in the house all alone. I'm mentally redecorating my house, I should be stopped. Monday is therapy, I'm scared.

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