Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery

Inspired by a comment from My Name Breaks the Rules, I went looking for pictures from Bop and Tiger Beat to take a look back at the embarrassing poses that stars of today were forced to assume in yesteryear.

I have a theory that male actors and boy bands and the like are intentionally presented with a feminine overlay to make them seem less sexually threatening/aggressive. But, some of these images really make me think I might be on to something. Also, I crushed on only a single person included here.

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Ryan Gosling mastered blonde, pouting, and quizzical early in life.

Illustration for article titled Lets Look at Some Teen Heartthrob Pin-Ups

I wish I could find a larger version of this Fred Savage image because the pose (Draw Me Like One of Your French Girls While I Wear My Mom's Sweater) is one of my favorite things ever.

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Illustration for article titled Lets Look at Some Teen Heartthrob Pin-Ups

Did someone actually tape this seemingly vulnerable and almost crying John Stamos to their bedroom wall? It literally looks like the first image in a very uncomfortable series.

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Illustration for article titled Lets Look at Some Teen Heartthrob Pin-Ups

Johnny Depp also has some near tears photos for young people, but he looks more hung over and annoyed.

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Illustration for article titled Lets Look at Some Teen Heartthrob Pin-Ups

No, that isn't a tiny actress who played a younger sister on some sitcom you never watched. That's Aaron Carter and his Beanie babies.

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Illustration for article titled Lets Look at Some Teen Heartthrob Pin-Ups

Stylists: What if for the JTT shoot, we dress him up like a newly divorced dad whose last memories of getting laid by strangers happened when Miami Vice was the number one show on television?

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Illustration for article titled Lets Look at Some Teen Heartthrob Pin-Ups

There should be a million Leo DiCaprio pics here because he transitioned from amiable boy next door to truculent straw user to uncomfortable amounts of chest really quickly.

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ETA: I just realized as I was scrolling through to edit that in the first image for some unknowable reason DiCaprio is exposing giant clown boxers. What the what?

Illustration for article titled Lets Look at Some Teen Heartthrob Pin-Ups
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Illustration for article titled Lets Look at Some Teen Heartthrob Pin-Ups
Illustration for article titled Lets Look at Some Teen Heartthrob Pin-Ups
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And speaking of chests and discomfort, here is Andrew Keegan (who I only remember from 10 Things I Hate About You) dressed like one of The Outsiders with an accessories problem.

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Illustration for article titled Lets Look at Some Teen Heartthrob Pin-Ups

Also a star in 10 Things I Hate About You, Joseph Gordon Levitt prays this picture never gets published.

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Illustration for article titled Lets Look at Some Teen Heartthrob Pin-Ups

Lastly, does anyone remember when Kirk Cameron modeled himself after AC Slater? MadPiglet does (see comments).

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Illustration for article titled Lets Look at Some Teen Heartthrob Pin-Ups

OK, I left out a lot of goodies, so exercise your Google mastery to find teen hearthrobs that you lusted after or forgot existed. And don't forget the ladies. Even I am shocked that I didn't include Alyssa Milano in here. I predict a lot of images of people clutching their lapels and/or with bare feet for no clear reason.

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ETA: If you have not seen this, you should.

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