I don't know if I have social anxiety or I'm anti-social or both. Being social and being around people is just so exhausting. And finding things to do with people is so inanely frustrating to me. But at the same time I don't want to be alone all day, but I also don't want to have to work so hard at being around people. I don't know what I want!

I think this is mostly a frustration I'm coming across with *romantic* undertones. I created an OKCupid profile when I was in a bored not caring mood and I guess my joking answers were funny enough to get a lot of people's attention. I met two people in person (in public during the day, obvs not gonna leave myself vulnerable to axe murdering) but so far it feels really forced on my part. If I give any fucks, they certainly are not flying fucks.

Honestly, I'm not looking to date. I'm not looking to hook up. I don't know why I even bothered with the internet, I was curious and thought I'd get more responses from creepers wanting nudies and I got a kick out of responding to every "what's up" with "the sky" because I have old man humor.

I think what I should be looking for is a good friendship. I'm not going to find that on OKCupid, but at least I indulged my curiosity about it. I think I do need to get out more, but I need a balance and I need more of a friend family. I know that I'm capable of being social and I'm very aware of social situations, but my personality is a bit awkward and I'm just a no nonsense straightforward person, when I'm tired and unhappy it shows. I don't like being in constant contact with people, I like coming home and just hanging out alone.

And I think what has been getting on my nerves the most is that maybe I just don't like *getting to know* people. It feels like a quiz show if someone asks me too many questions about myself I shut down. I do this to my parents too. If someone asks me what I did today I'll get annoyed and give a really vague answer and I just don't like it. I don't really ask other people questions about themselves either. I just feel like that stuff can become known in time and we don't need to sit down and ask all these generic questions like we're on some job interview. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. Maybe I didn't want to date.


I'm constantly fluctuating between feeling like I need to be more social and wanting to just be alone. I'm just feeling ashamed of how rude I must seem as I grapple with that internally.