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It was so cold today...


It was so cold, my sanitary napkin froze. It was like sitting on a Twin Pop.

It was so cold, my nipples ripped through all three of my jackets and cracked the windshield.


It was so cold, I took a sip of coffee and melted.

It was so cold, my vagina developed bloodsicles.

It was so cold, I tried to pick a booger and my whole nose snapped off.

But seriously, it was fucking terrible. My coworker's car needed to be jumped, and lucky for her I have cables and know how to use them. She's from South fucking Dakota, and didn't think to bring more than two pairs of those cheap stretchy gloves. Her hands started turning red, so I made her sit in my car with my thick mittens on. I made her take them home, which was good because her car's heater crapped out on the way home. That's twice I've saved her life. Twice IN A YEAR. This hero shit is exhausting.

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