I don't know if I can do this with my brother.
So- a little background. I've just really gotten through the other side of a brutally hard marriage and divorce. My ex-husband was a person with some form of undiagnosed mental illness. He refused to see a doctor, and instead self medicated with alcohol; lots and lots of alcohol. Twelve to eighteen beers a day lots of alcohol. When I filed for divorce in 2010, it switched something else "on" in his head and I had two years of frivolous lawsuits (including a "wrongful death suit" on a legal abortion I had!) and threats and restraining orders and switching phone numbers and it has all been just draining and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. So naturally, I want to spare someone like my brother from that- and I look at his partner with a much more critical eye.
My brother's fiance seems really nice. I don't want to give anybody the impression that I don't like her. But, this past year there have been some things about her that disturb me deeply. Firstly, she went through a very deep depression which caused her to lose her job. In and of itself, not an issue for me- but when I heard from Ma_Heathen that she initially was extremely resistant to any sort of medical help I was a bit leery. When Pa_Heathen said she went for three months before actually going to get help I became even more wary. I have also found out from Bro_Heathen that they have been moving the wedding date closer and closer- what had originally been a planned "long engagement" while she finished a degree, became a Christmas wedding in 2014, had at last chat sesh become a January 2014 wedding- of which my brother is doing most of the planning. I am petrified that my brother is going to end up in a situation like the one I just came out of. It frightens me even more deeply when I hear her talk about how wonderful it will be to start having kids.
Now, I don't want to accuse her of trying to trap my brother, or the bullshit "She'll get pregnant to keep you with her Bro_Heathen!" but I am worried that if she's not actively maintaining her mental health with her doctors, my brother will end up in a situation like mine- with the possibility of a child stuck in the middle. Maybe, hopefully- I am wrong. My family, for all its weirdness and faults is surprisingly close to Norman Rockwell "normality". I have never had to deal with any form of mental illness, and was raised by parents who always put a huge focus on trying to see things from other people's point of view. My brother and I are very compassionate (my brother works in the medical field, and I in the funeral industry) and really care about other people. We may use terms like "crazy" in the colloquial sense-"that's crazy"- but we never use it at people. We have always tried to look past people's outsides to get at all the stuff inside(which sounds so corny and stupid when typed out) But,for all my empathy and compassion, I'm afraid I'm projecting qualities on to her that she doesn't deserve, and that I'm seeing my ex everywhere. I certainly don't want to condemn her for a possible chemical imbalance in the brain. But there's a part of me that is screaming- dammit Heathens, you've been there! You've been the one trying to hold all the "normal" together!
Please tell me I'm just projecting fears. Because I don't even know what I would say to my brother. I don't want him to dump her, or call off the wedding- I just want him to not get caught up in a flurry of romance and miss some warning signs. If I could spare my little brother from going through what I went through-I absolutely would; but I don't even know if I should say anything. What would you guys do?
*disclaimer. Right here, right now so nobody can say I didn't warn you. I know trolls have been filtering their way into GT. Any suggestion that she is trying to "trap" my brother, or other MRA marriage nonsense will not be tolerated. Any slurs or stupid language about mental illness will not be tolerated. I may not have issues- but I will not stand for people to make fun of those who do. Apologies in advance if I have used outdated language, or have messed something up in my background stories. I have tried to present events the way I have seen them and fully acknowledge my limited experience with these things*