Welcome To The Bitchery

It's been 9 days, 20 hours and 38 minutes since I've had a cigarette

Why did I quit? Because I felt like it. How am I holding up? OK, I suppose. How do I feel? Fucking horrible, thanks for asking!

Clarification: I don't feel horrible because of the whole "not smoking cigarettes" thing, nor am I feeling bad because I'm overcome with an incessant desire to smoke. No, I feel horrible because, ever since I quit, I've had quite the time making food come out of my body the way it's supposed to.

This morning, I wondered aloud to my boyfriend if this was my body's sick, twisted way of ensuring I'd never want to smoke a cigarette ever again — because all I want right now, more than a cigarette, is to be able to poop. Perhaps this is the reason why so many cold turkey quitters fail?

Advertisement

I was never a heavy smoker — in the last three years, my average was 1-3 cigarettes a day, with the occasional music festival or night out making me smoke a bit more, but I never reached "pack a day levels." Because of this, I assumed, quitting would be easy. That's partially true; I haven't had any cold sweats or super irritability or anything you usually hear about. But no one ever mentions that quitting makes you unable to poop.

I've been forcing Metamucil, prunes, laxative tea, whole wheat crackers, probiotic pills and Kefir into my body for at least 4 days now. I hope this ends soon, because this wasn't what I signed up for when I decided to "make a smart choice" about my body and my health. This. Blows.

Share This Story