Some of these things are much bigger than others, but they've all added up to a tough day and now I just want to sit on my couch and cry. Not even cry. Just kind of sit in a daze.
This weekend, my boyfriend's good friend's sister (a senior in high school) killed herself by jumping off a building. Across the world, my 13-year-old cousin was put on suicide watch. My heart is just aching for him, and his family. His poor mom lost her dad and her husband within a year of each other, and now a year later she's raising three kids by herself. I feel selfish taking all of this so hard, because these things aren't even happening to me, but it's just one of those "why can the world be so sad sometimes?" days.
In less awful, but compounding on awful things, news, grad school was extra hard today. I have a midterm in three days I'm utterly unprepared for and an assignment due in two days I have no chance of completing in any decent fashion. And something else. A bit of backstory: last year I applied to many, many grad schools, and got rejected from almost all of them. I ended up going to the same school as my undergrad, which I've actually been quite happy with so far, but it was an incredibly humbling experience and the program I ended up with was definitely my backup school. The past couple of days, some people who are currently applying to grad school have been really pissing me off: 1. A master's student in one of my first-year PhD courses, who's in a study group with a couple of us. He's been going on and on and on about how many schools he's applying to and how he'll apply to our school, but ONLY AS A BACKUP! and how he doesn't know who to ask for letters of rec because there are no famous professors at our school (not true), and how he has to get an A in this class, because if he applies to schools with less than an A in this class, they'll be like "a B+ at [top 50 school]?! That's like an F at Harvard." 2. Today while my study group was working in the lounge, a group of master's students was talking about their applications to PhD programs. I eavesdropped a little bit, because, hey I'm nosy. Plus they were being pretty loud. Anyways, one girl said she was going to apply to [top 50 school] and another girl was like, "omg, really? There are so many better departments here. Plus, you've already been at this school, so you'll just end up having all of the same professors again. If I only got in here, I would just get a job instead." Two feet away is my friend, who did his undergrad and master's at [top 50 school], and me. Plus a bunch of other PhD students who are obviously choosing to get their PhD from this department.
Look, I get it, you're ambitious. I was, too. I applied to all of the top 20, and was crushed when I didn't get into any them. And guess what? I'm still ambitious, at this top 50 school, where I'm working really hard and am really excited about my potential advisers. I don't know, maybe this sounds a bit "the lady doth protest too much," but I really am happy where I am, geographically, academically, with life in general. I just can't get over how classless it is to trash a PhD program in front of people in that program! I visited a program last year and literally cried at the thought of going there because I hated it so much and was so disappointed at the idea of going there. But the KEY was that I waited until I got home to cry. I didn't convey my disappointment in front of the students in the program. Because how little class do you need to have to act that way?
Anyways, thanks for listening to my rant, Groupthink.