It's been over a year since my husband and I lived in the same home.
This was not planned.
He started job searching late (the month of the move) but was going to continue pursuing a new job in the private sector or a transfer to Chicago. If this was taking too long, he'd pick up a coding job for a shitty corporation just to get here.
That was last July.
I have been supportive. I have been encouraging.
I have not worked on weekends since those are the only days when he is here. I have not pursued social engagements (or not too many of them) on the weekends since he needs to rest.
He would leave some Mondays at three in the morning, just so we could go to sleep next to each other for another night. The way we both wanted to be.
I found GroupThink and it helped me feel less alone. A bonus of marriage was supposed to be never having to live alone.
I've cared for my/our dog and his/our four cats. (I decided not to have cats since they terrorized my high school life and relationship with my former hoarder mother who gave the basement of her new house to the 13 cats)
One got cancer. I've taken her to cat chemo. I've organized online and IRL fundraisers (OMG, GROUPTHINK AND JEZ IS AWESOME AND I THANK YOU STILL!!!) for part of the near $8000 bill. I've taken out a credit card to pay for other portions of the bill.
I have been patient.
He wants to change careers. He wants to be a baker and then pastry chef. He has five years experience baking.
After making jokes about how he could've picked up candlemaking to continue the nursery rhyme theme, I am supportive. I am encouraging. I suggest many things.
When people ask what I "do," I stall. Nanny? Yes. Crochet graffiti? Yes. Getting my loans in better shape so I can apply to grad school? Yes. But no.
What I "do" is wait to be married again. Until then, I clean up cat puke, stop cats from fighting with each other to the point of severe injury, and try to find the remnants of my life both in Chicago and in my brain.
I can't do this anymore.
I told him I'd divorce him only to move back to Madison to be closer to him.
I've been in Chicago long enough to agree that moving back is ridiculous. But so is living like this. After offering to move back many times over the past year, I'm not willing to move because of HIM and what he IS or ISN'T capable of anymore.
I started finding my life last week, angrily and assertively. I've momentarily stalled but I'm asking for help. The past year was about shutting off my active feelings about this living situation to focus on both of our survival.....
There's just... nothing I can do for him. I don't want to ask about jobs because obviously nothing I have said has worked or helped. Asking him what he needs this week, he said to be reminded and asked about jobs. I've done it every day and silently wonder "Why weren't you doing these things before?"
My stomach is trembling from nerves, feelings and who knows what.
I am angry, tired and nervous. I miss my partner who was supposed to boost me during my struggles toward adulting.
And I've got to run to therapy.