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It's everything. Everything?

I'm sorry to write another personal post, I'm just trying to sort out my headspace, and I would really appreciate an outside perspective.

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So I'm in a moderately crap general situation. A long term relationship ended a few months ago, and pretty badly.

My career is nonexistent. I've spent far too long trying to work my way up in a way that is not actually possible, and I'm still severely underemployed. I wanted to edit nature and political documentaries, and I think I would be good at it too, but there's no clear path from where I am to there that is feasible for me at the moment.

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I lost a lot of friends and family with the breakup. I've been really isolated. I try to reach out to people, but I feel rather crap about where I'm at, and a lot of my old friends have drifted away.

When my ex left I gave up the house we were in. This was not the greatest decision on my part. I just wanted out of there. To get on the first plane out of the country. So I found someone to take my cat in temporarily, and left all my things at my parents'.

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I didn't actually get on the first plane. It's not so easy to relocate with a floundering career. So I've been living with my folks by default.

I can afford to live in a sharehouse. I don't really want to. I never thought I would again, I've lived in so many sharehouses all around town, for so long. I have to sort out some kind of living situation to get my cat back though. I miss my cat.

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So, looking objectively at how I'm doing, it's not so good. There is this huge disconnect between what I'm going for and what is in my life.

I want stability, and in every aspect of my life there is chaos. I want to be connected, to contribute, to do something meaningful. And yet at a time when most people have so many responsibilities they barely have any time to themselves, I feel barely connected to the world.

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Part of it is depression. Part of it is settling for too little, and trying really hard to make things work that were never going to work.

I am doing things. I'm going to therapy, and looking into changing careers. IT might be an option, I studied it a long time ago, and there is a lot more work in it. I'm not sure how much of an aptitude I have for it, and it's not exactly what I want to do, but it seems like the most realistic option so far.

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Ideally, I'd prefer to do something that's directly helping people, but most of those would require a fair bit of further study, and the idea of not just starting a new career, but really starting to make proper money for the first time at 35 is so not good.

I got my driver's licence the other day, so that's constructive, but it also makes me feel crazy ashamed to do that at 33.

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I'm sorry to go on about my personal stuff. I just, I keep thinking about how people talk about people they know who are obviously out of line in some way – lacking in personal hygiene, or acting like a douche, or being selfish, and people keep being amazed that anyone could be so oblivious to what they were doing. But from the oblivious person's perspective, all they have to go on is that they keep losing friends or maybe jobs.

Based on how out of line my life is with where I want to be, I feel like I'm doing some thing(s) wrong. I feel like I still have a window to turn things around, but not for much longer, and I'm scared I'm going to keep missing something obvious, or follow some other lead that goes nowhere.

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Does anyone have stories about recognising and changing things they didn't like about themselves?

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