I cried at my doctors office for the first time in nearly a year.

After tackling crisis after crisis, my fist competent doc and I have finally hit the nerve.

Shame.

I finally cracked and started crying when I told her about how it was so hard to live like I don’t care about having certain things (i.e., love), and how badly I feel when I want them. It was exhausting. I hate crying.

Anyways, I have to write about everything, without judgement, and then not read what I wrote-because I’ll rip it up, revise it, and pretend like I never wrote what I feel. Then my doc is going to read it. As per my request, she can read it, toss it, not quote it-but we will talk about what I wrote about. Without me actually having to hear my words again.

It’s so hard. It’s like having to go down into the ocean without a full oxygen tank. I can breath, but only for so long. And then what?

I’m so scared.