My best friend’s wedding is this weekend. I’m so excited I can barely sleep. This plus my overachieving nature means I’m determined to be Super Bridesmaid. The apex predator of this bridal party. Playlist full of my garbage music taste (Mambo No. 5 makes an appearance) for getting ready? Check. Gushy Facebook post about our 8 years of friendship? Drafted.

My biggest job will be Toxic Friend wrangling. I have talked about her a lot here. A lot. Probably too much. I am the only one in the bridal party (with the obvious exception of Bride) who really knows her, so this job will be entirely mine.

Given her stubborn insistence on being an absolute trash fire in situations that don’t revolve around her, I will have the following responsibilities: taking her from her fuckboy’s house to the wedding site. Getting her to wear something other than a band shirt for the rehearsal. Forcing her to shower on the day of the wedding. Shutting her down when she inevitably makes comments about having to get her hair/makeup done and pictures taken. Shut her down when she insults people in what she THINKS is a subtle way but really, really isn’t. Secretly bring a stash of nail polish for her nicotine-stained hands. Secretly bring a shrug to cover up her scabies-and-self inflicted cigarette burns-scarred arms. Make sure she doesn’t pull a disappearing act and get drunk/smoke with Fuckboy. In summary, get her there, get her presentable, and get her down the aisle. Then I get to be done with her shit, forever.

Dealing with this has really taken a toll on me over the years. Bride says “you don’t need to protect me from all this, Burnernator, it’s okay.” She lives far away from me and Toxic Friend, so she’s never really seen how bad things get. She said “wow, Toxic Friend was on surprisingly good behavior!” after her bachelorette party, because I didn’t tell her all that I did to make that happen. I’m certainly not going to let her wedding day be the day she finds out.

But I don’t mind being the bad guy. Bride’s worth it. I will survive this weekend and be seen as a Nazi monster bitch for LOVE. As always, thanks for letting me rant, GT. :)