I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but it’s not something I like to brag about. It’s a big responsibility, and not to be taken lightly.

I am the Queen of No Less Than Eight Apartments.

How I ascended to the throne is not important; our building needed a champion, and I rose to the challenge.

My queendom is small and my subjects loyal and happy, for the most part. We have a dissenter in our midst; one who has, for fifteen years, made life difficult for others. This will not stand.

The Dissenter, sometimes referred to as the Nazi Nun, has lived in the building for twenty years. My most trusted advisors, Margaret and Sandy, have lived here for fifteen and eight, respectively. While I’ve only been a resident for five, I came to power upon finding out the Dissenter had been terrorizing Margaret for her entire fifteen year residence. The final straw came two years ago when the Dissenter called our landlord, William the Fair, to complain about Margaret’s air conditioner, as it was “vibrating her walls.”

I wrote a letter to our landlord highlighting all of the Dissenter’s transgressions against Margarent, Sandy, and the other tennants, including Emile the Lothario and many who have moved on to other kingdoms. The transgressions include moving, destroying, and getting rid of personal property, trying to have a ban on smoking instituted by the city so that residents cannot smoke in or outside their own homes, calling the police some many times for noise complaints that the landlord started being charged for the police visits, and lastly, breaking the one rule our landlord actually enforces: having a dog on premises.

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You may remember that I am bipetual. I am Team Dog and Cat. The issue has nothing to do with dogs, and everything to do with the dog belonging to the Dissenter’s sister, and lunging at people during it’s two month stay in our kingdom. She claims it’s an emotional therapy dog, but it snaps at people and charges at them. Although a toy poodle, it’s still dangerous and untrained.

And so, I sent my scathing account of events to the landlord, who apologized to Margaret for having to withstand years of harrassment, and has stopped taking calls from the Dissenter. I became Queen of No Less Than Eight Apartments, and the landlord earned the title William the Fair.

Today, the Dissenter posted a sign on her door, directly across from Margaret’s:

Dear Margaret,

You are free to smoke and be cool, but please move your air conditioner as the noise bothers me.

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One of my wonderful subjects wrote on the sign wit red marker, “You are crazy. GET HELP.”

The sign was removed and replaced with another. I saw it on my way out the door and already angered by something unrelated, ripped it down and threw it on the floor. The Dissenter opened her door and glared at me. “ I am in NO MOOD,” I exclaimed, slamming the door behind me.

I returned to find my trusted advisors snickering about both incidents, and we began plotting revenge. I also notified William the Fair of a forthcoming shitstorm, and he assured me I have nothing to worry about.

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While I love the feeling of vanquishing my enemies, I could use a few ideas in keeping the Dissenter in check. So far I’ve come up with cat turds in her garden, an overdose of boron in her soil, a gelatin spritz on her hanging laundry, and blasting Die Antwoord while she gardens under my window.

What has worken in your kingdoms?