I need to bitch, so please bear with me.
After failing to make a follow-up appointment with my crazy-pills-prescriber, they up and cancelled all of my refills, causing me a lovely weekend of snowstorms, pill-cutting, and lamictal withdrawal. One would think that they'd call before cutting you off, but I guess prescribing NPs are like overworked bartenders - there's no middle ground between seated at the bar and bouncing off the curb.
After calling and pretty much begging to avoid the consequences of further withdrawal, I was grudgingly given a 5-day prescription to tide me over until my appointment.
Of course there was another snowstorm, and they moved my appointment. This of course led to further begging for pills, which were again grudgingly prescribed.
I had my appointment today. Was it a lot of "How's it going, TheWL? Are you okay? Is there anything I, A CERTIFIED MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL, may do to ameliorate your more-or-less constant agony? Anything at all?"
Of course it wasn't. I was berated for literally twenty minutes regarding 1) how bad it was that I missed the appointment; 2) how thoughtless it was that I forgot to schedule an appointment; 3) how any of my excuses (including, you know, THE MENTAL ILLNESSES I SUFFER) "didn't matter"; and 4) that if I continued being such a bad patient the prescriber would have no choice but to discharge me.
Now I am not one to evade responsibility - self-hatred prevents this. Yes, I am a horrible person for failing to schedule a followup. Yes, it was terrible and I am everything that's wrong and in no way could there be any other explanation for what happened other than complete moral failure, for which I should be castigated and strung up on a convenient gallows. I agree with all of these things.
So why are you yelling at me? What potential purpose does it serve, other than to vent your own spleen, to berate a (once again, with feeling) MENTALLY ILL PERSON for being inattentive? Do you actually want me to slit my wrists right there in the office? Is this on your agenda?
And now I'm angry, which means that in approximately two hours I will feel ashamed and want to die.
Thanks, mental health professional.