OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW.... Did I mention fucking OW?

So I did it! A week ago I ditched the pill after YEARS, and went for the darling of the European birth control scene, the IUD. My uterus is chic AF as of a week ago, and I could not be happier.

Yeah no. Like I am pumped about the idea of what the future of what the IUD means to me, like no condoms, lighter to no cramps/periods, not having to take a pill everyday, and just being oblivious to my uterus for 5 – 7 years depending on upcoming studies.

In the mean time though, FUCK.

So I got my IUD sort of on a whim. Sort of in the way that you go in for your yearly talk with your gyno, and you’re like MAYBE? I should try an IUD?, and she’s all like, “I can do that for you like right now, it takes two minutes” and me being a Panicky Pete whilst on the spot was all like, “YAAASSSSSS, lets do this!!!!!?!!!!!!?”

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So to explain to you all how this works (cuz I didn’t know) there are four steps to putting in an IUD.

  1. Speculum – To anyone with a vagina this is a necessary evil, and standard modus operandi. Uncomfortable, but usually bearable.
  2. Long Q tip with sterilizing solution – They use this to clean the cervix, i.e. a mild version of a pap smear with no scraping.
  3. Some kind of thing that opens your cervix – This is the first nope. Good lord that hurts, level hundred, but if you think you are a tough bitch, like I did, you breathe through it, and it’s okay till...
  4. IUD time – The worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Maybe I’m lucky and I don’t know what pain is, but no. Just, no.

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After the color returned to my face, and I could convince them I was fine to leave, I walked home to the worst eight hours of cramps I have ever had. I threw up it was so bad. Since then I have had mild cramps. Also my stoic ass has cried, no not cried, fucking bawled twice, though not because of cramps, because of EMOTIONS! I have also been constantly light aunt flowing it.

Here are the ways I have been dealing with the pain!

Standard intense period shit for right after your womb has been invaded:

  1. Heating pad – this is a godsend. If you don’t have one my mom taught me this trick where you place your hands with some pressure onto your womb/ovary area.
  2. Diaper pad (aka SUPER PAD!) – to catch the chunks of your uterine lining, and or just the straight up bleeding that happens. Like you’re peeing while also watching your vagina drain blood. This catches this. The blood I mean. Don’t piss into your pad.
  3. Ibuprofen – I take too much, but listen to your bottle and or trained professional.
  4. Weed – If you are lucky enough to live in a state where this is legal, holy fuck do this. I can’t even explain how much better I felt after smoking a bit.
  5. A favorite show or movie – for me this was RuPaul’s Drag Race. It was a marathon. It was bliss.
  6. An apathetic partner who doesn’t really want to watch RuPaul’s Drag Race, but eventually relents because he either realizes you’re in a ton of pain, or just figures this is payback for letting him watch wrestling last Sunday.

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Aftercare:

  1. Keep a bunch of pads/pantyliners within your reach. In my experience so far I’ve only needed pantyliners after the first night, but flows can vary. Don’t be caught off guard.
  2. Again, pain relief. The cramps haven’t gone away, plus there are weird pings that hurt. I can’t tell if I am feeling IT, or maybe other parts of my guts are falling apart. I’mma go with this though.
  3. Buy yourself something nice. I bought a bunch of leggings, and all of the Halloween movies. Yours could be anything you want it to be.
  4. SEX? Be careful, and have your partner be gentle. Don’t be worried if there is blood. THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

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Everyone’s IUD experience is different, but I figured I’d share mine since it’s about lady parts and most articles, even those geared towards women are super sterilized!

Any other IUD’s in the house? Why does an IUD remind me of a WMD? Probably because a Republican will go to any length to stop an imaginary terror. What are your preferred methods of birth control? What are your preferred methods of self care? Has anyone gone off the pill after years? I’m still miserable w/out it! Does it get better? What kind of shit do people buy as self care other than leggings and horror movies?