I went on a date today for the first time in years. I haven’t had sex in more than five years, and my last relationship involved mostly me begging for sex and my partner being not interested.

So you’d think I’d be dying for it, right? I felt.. nothing.

I have a long bad relationship with sexuality and sex. I was a fat and ugly kid and I grew up being told (by everyone - parents, school counselors, etc.) that boys didn’t love girls who looked like me. I was a man’s secret all through high school - he went with one of my best friends to prom.

In college, a man I loved said it felt bad to touch me. I remember everything about that moment. It was Valentine’s Day. Anyway, I spent the next decade stopping people from even hugging me, because I wanted to protect them.

I started dating in my 30s and was pretty slutty, and mostly enjoyed it. And then I had two long-term relationships, neither of which was great sexually. And then.. nothing. I just stopped. I am now 300 pounds and don’t even think of myself as a sexual being anymore. Who would want to touch this ?

Now I’m in my mid-40s and I can’t remember the last time I saw a man and thought..yes please! Because my brain is just so closed to the idea of someone wanting me back.

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So today, part of my brain is yelling WAKE UP!!! A MAN IS KISSING YOU. But mostly I felt... nothing. I mean, I have the magic wand, so it’s not like parts don’t work anymore. But.. yeah.

I’m somewhat relieved. Somewhat sad. It’s an odd place to be.